My Blog__ A blonde’s 5 am defense mechanism

May 11, 2009 | By

It's Saturday night (well actually sunday morning), a few hours away from when people are courageously going to church, and Im crawling home from my night of Belvedere. Nothing unusual. As my head is finally hitting my big plump pillow, I hear a knock on my door. At first I thought it was just my head telling me it hates me for the nights abuse, but I shortly realized there actually was someone at my door. I walked to the door thinking it was just my neighbor Alexandra coming to say hello, but after not hearing a response after yelling her name I instantly became alarmed. I cautiously opened the door to peer through a crack only to find a 50 something year old toothless drunken woman who I was sure was Amy Winehouse's older sibling but Native. Striking resemblance.

Seeing that she was unarmed and just a raging cracked out lunatic, I told her to get the f**** out of my building immediately or I'll call the cops. She responded to my threats in complete jargon and kept on asking for Tony. I slammed my door in mixed confusion and terror thinking she would somehow un-leach her non existent fangs and attack me. Still in a drunken haze myslef, I tore my apartment apart looking for my bear mase that I had stored somewhere specifically for these types of obscure situations. No luck. After 4 minutes and hearing her knock again, I opted for desperation for protection against the Native Winehouse. Armed with the sharpest knife I could find and the first aerosol can I saw, I tiptoed back to the door.

Who knew that I could scare off a psycho with a can of PAM and a kitchen knife???? She ran away so fast.. I spent the next hour laughing at myself at the stupidity of this whole situation.

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