October 22, 2009 | By

It's annoying when celebrities think they can do anything.


Taylor Momsen a.k.a Lil J, prides herself on her horrific excuse for a band, Pretty Reckless. The songs, which Taylor claims to have written "all by herself," are lyrically lame, unoriginal and direct rip-offs of Celebrity Skin. So direct in fact, Courtney Love had to take her rage out on her keyboard, tweeting "Why does Taylor Whatsit deeply disturb me and why is the Blonde one from the verons or whatever they are called actually wearing my clothes?" According to MTV, Love also screamed at Taylor, "I don't watch t.v or read teen magazines and gossip rags so I wouldn't know. Do not 'like my music' please." The most offensive thing about Taylor's band is her oblivious attitude towards the authenticity of her music. "We're trying to bring rock back," Taylor told MTV with a shit-eating grin. Check it out guys, Lil' J is saving rock n' roll! Watching a delusional celebrity with paid backing musicians twice her age try to pass as "a real band" is almost as sad as those Sweet Sixteen girls' who think all the kids are coming to their birthday because they are genuinely liked and not for the free diamonds and stuff.


I think it's kind of awesome that famous actor, Kevin Bacon and his less famous brother Michael have been writing cheese-dick songs together since 1995. I think it's even more awesome that they go on tour, make records and seem to just love it. Watching them perform is better than watching really excited grandparents do karaoke. Check out any photo of them on stage; they are having the best time ever! It's just too bad that their music sucks. It's exactly what you would expect: a mix of country twang and Dad Rock, plus a whole lot of knee slides followed by back pain.


Jennifer Love Hewitt is responsible for recording one of the worst songs and most irritating videos of all time, 'How Do I Deal?' Too bad for her, this was at the peak of her musical career. Jennifer made a few albums (the first when she was just twelve, I bet the lyrics were life changing) and always found an excuse to sing in her crappy films. She was voted sexiest woman like a billion times in the late 90's and during this period released the album, 'Let's Go Bang' (wow). Jennifer stopped her ear-piercing pop howls and Nick Carter-style grabby hand dance moves in 2003, but recently news has spread that she is working on a country album. Maybe LFO will guest star?


More offensive than Taylor Momsen's quest to resurrect rock n'roll is Shane West thinking he can live up to the standards of Darby Crash. Los Angeles 1970's punk band, The Germs lost their frontman, Darby Crash, after only one LP (G.I produced by Joan Jett) and a slew of epic shows. The Germs have been credited for kick-starting the L.A. punk sound even though they only played together for three short years. In 2005, actor Shane West was cast to play Darby Crash in the biographical film about the Germs, What We Do Is Secret (which was terrible, by the way). He later embarked on a tour with the band. This case of sucking is unique because West replaced an irreplaceable front-man. Of course he was going to blow it! My friends, Twin Crystals, stayed with the drummer of the Germs, Don Bolles in L.A. They said that between trying to take their old drum symbols, crazy Bolles rambled constantly about how much West sucked. Should have stuck with teen dramas, West. Sorry.


Have you ever heard that stand-up bit Mindy Kaling does about Scarlett Johansson and Julia Styles helping each other read lines for auditions? It's hilarious. Every time I hear Scarlett Johansson sing I think of Mindy Kaling impersonating her mannish, gurgling voice. Johansson put out a solo record of ten Tom Waits covers and one original track (nice ratio) which featured David Bowie (nice save). She received mixed reviews for this album, but decided to plunder on. Scarlett is currently working on a project with Pete Yorn. Do I smell a sequel to the Gwyneth Paltrow-Huey Lewis fiasco? Because that's what the music world needs, another pretty decent actress deflating her public respect with a mediocre pop song.

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Terrence Howard, Jared Leto, Lindsay Lohan and Heidi Montag (not really an actress, but brain-numbing music none the less).

CELEBRITIES WE WISH WOULD START MUSICAL CAREERS: Charlie Day (if only for Day Man), Janice Dickenson & Heidi Fleiss (if they started a rap duo called 'Surgery Face'), Keanu Reeves (lounge hits about kung-fu) and Christian Bale (angry hardcore music used as an excuse to beat people up).

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