My Blog__ My Body is an Issue

June 03, 2010 | By

My youth was spent at the ice rink. I was a competitive figure skater from age 5 to 16. I would skate every day after school and on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 5:30 am until school began. I skated all summer. I was put into Pilates, cardio training and did ballet with a crazy Russian teacher named, Ania. My only vacations were to go to Penticton or Burnaby for competitions.  One day I got up the guts to face that fact that I didn't have the fearlessness or passion to be the next Tara Lapinski (and that I really wanted to learn the guitar), so I quit. It was tough. The thing about guitar is that it isn't really athletic. When you are 16 years old and your body has been running a hamster wheel for nine years and suddenly, that wheel stops, your body will change. I got tits. My thighs morphed. I got an ass. It freaked me out. Sometimes I feel like the only thing I missed about skating was the natural endorphins and my hot teenage bod.

I had troubles with my body for a long time. Mainly because I liked to date male models and with male models always comes a string of ex-girlfriends who are/were female models. Fact: Female models are "skinny".

You ever been fucking someone in the morning? The morning light is punishing; you might as well be screwing in the change room at Sears. The morning turns skin into chunks and reveals cellulite like a mother-fucker. (Do mother-fuckers like to reveal cellulite? Yes.) I love morning sex. It is my favorite time to fuck, but I pay the price when I look down and it's like Jack Skellington hammering the Pilsbury Dough Girl. My body becomes an issue, but only for me and that is crazy.

Even though I've finished my model phase I still have body issues. Sometimes I get home after working all week, exhausted, and have a mini-depression/freak out. I bustle about my house, feel bloated, crave a drink (but don't have one, it kills me) and then talk about how unhappy my body makes me. I think my boyfriend is getting pretty fed up with it.

I'm turning 25 this year. When I was young, my mother and aunts warned me that "Bielski" bodies start to lose the magic of metabolism around this age. I used to watch them throw back gin and tonics, howling about the woes of womanhood. My aunts all look amazing and my mom is as fit as 50 Cent but she made an active choice to be this way. She got three dogs (or a full work out routine). Will I be able to have this sort of discipline and love for domesticated animals when I'm all "grown-up"?

I have a love/hate relationship with my body and I don't see this as abnormal. In fact, I see it as totally 100% beyond normal and that sucks. I wish that we lived in a world that accepted everyone at every moment. Maybe if Tim Leary had been president and we had grown up on a non-stop LSD trip things like body image, race or sexual orientation wouldn't matter because we'd be too busy laughing at how amazing it feels to tie our shoes. The truth is, things are pretty bad. It's hard because there are serious issues like the growing popularity of things like Body Dysmorphic Disorder, then there are out-of-touch moral panic articles that surface and people lose it before doing their research (otherwise known as talking to their kids). How do we fix it? We fix it with discourse: being honest with each other and admitting that we all feel this way. We do it with support. There are a lot of things about the way the human body is judged, manipulated and represented that I don't like, but then again, if this shit didn't happen what the hell would I write about?

(Thanks for the vent guys. No more hot air, I swear.)

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