My Blog__ Have I become a shitty dude?

June 12, 2009 | By

A close friend of mine recently ended her relationship and, as with most cases, she was bummed out. Her relationship had been less than perfect, but whose hasn't? He still had some baggage with his ex-wife (who he had married for citizenship when they were barely out of high school) and there was back and forth "are we in this or not" turmoil between my friend and her dude. Regardless, it ended and to her surprise, rather peacefully. So instead of wallowing around the city swelling with tears at every familiar smell or sight, she packed up her shit and moved to New York. Ex-boyfriend stayed in Vancouver, got back with his ex-wife and said ex-wife won't talk to ex-boyfriends friends who are still friends with my friend. Stupid. Oh wait, it gets better because my friend found out that he had been secretly seeing ex-wife before he was done with my friend. Messy eh? Shitty eh? Fucking men right? What pigs. Doesn't it make you just want to ring his dick out like a wash cloth and throw him into a pit of angry female wrestlers?

As my friend was telling me her story I watched her try to fight back anger and frustration. She reached for my slurpee and nervously chewed the straw as she muttered about the break-up. She winced. She half-smiled. I totally felt it. I knew how much pain she had inside, how her ego had been bruised and how shitty it felt to feel so suddenly unloved. I wanted to tell her that her dude was shit, a straight-up bad person. I wanted to tell her that he's obviously not human, not decent, a pitiful piece of garbage. Fuck it. Fuck him. Don't talk to him and go egg his house. This rage was legit, until I remembered I did this same thing to someone I once loved. Then it hit me. Had I become a shitty dude?

My situation wasn't quite the same, but I left someone I loved for an ex. The guy I loved and I were not working. We both thought one another was cheating, but we were too chicken shit to admit anything. We were skeptical and growing in different directions. We were nervous and back and forth, we both had no idea what being in love was anymore. So, we broke up. It was bad and we haven't spoken since. He has made it very clear that he hates me. I bitched defensively, but deep down I couldn't blame him. I just missed him, I missed him because I thought he was wonderful and a good person. Shortly after our break-up (and I mean real short) I got back with my ex when he moved home from Berlin. We had been communicating through out my whole break-up, yeah, I know, shitty. Our relationship started off okay, got terrible, then worse and worse and worse, but determined to come out on top, I denied every emotion and desperately tried to keep it together. My "logic" was if we broke up then I had left someone I loved for nothing. No, no this had to work out. It took me a long time to face my deep denial. I mean I don't believe in God, but during that brutally sexless six month rekindled relationship I was sure that the dude who I had left was God, or at least paying him to fuck my life up.

It's not a gender thing. There are no shitty dudes or shitty women, it's simply real people who sometimes make shitty choices.

We all fuck up and eventually pay. Lesson learned.

Peace & Love,

Born-Again-Breaker Upper

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