My Blog__ I Want It Bad

December 22, 2011 | By

Think about what you want. What you want to wear, what you want to eat, what you want to do for the hours in between the 25th and the 31st. Wanting to improve on yourself and up your game. Wanting specific objects and particular people. Wanting, wanting, I'm always wanting something.

For example: right now I want to drop like 2gs on a bulldog for my roommates to apologize for all my shit being all over our apartment for the last year.  And also to have a living creature to invest all of my excess affection in without being called a ho. Call me a ho all you want, I'm sure I have lots of names for you too. And my roommate's starting to get weird about the mornings that she wakes up and I'm spooning her. I've always had a high affection quota.

Seriously, what the fuck do you want? What do I want?  After my 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th, and 18th birthdays I finally realized that if you're going to get want you want you have to ask for it. Otherwise you get bracelets with heart charms on them  or some kind of top with a cowl neck or you get nothing or your daddy forgets your birthday and then you feel vindicated in bitching about your daddy issues for the rest of your life.  No one wants to hear that. Not even xoJane.

Even the people who really know you never really know what you want. Most of the time I don't even know what I want. But I write shit down when I'm trying to figure out my thoughts so I'm going to make a list.  One of those lists that I don't really like. A list of shit that I want, first because it's seasonally appropriate and second because I'm gonna get it in 2012 and I need to set out an agenda.  It's like a wish list, a resolution list, a bitch list, a hit list and a hit IT list all in one.

1. I want to make the commitment of a lifetime and watch the entirety of The Sopranos. I want to understand in full the nature of the relationship between Tony and his therapist and I want to fall in love with the mob family I know I was meant to be a part of. I'm ready, it's now. I'm laying down my heart for you David Chase and I'm gonna wear lipliner like Adriana everyday until I finish it.

2. I want my own therapist. I'm taking referrals.

3. I want the death penalty to be put to death. Everywhere. Forever. Troy Davis became the figurehead for a movement that needed wings, and the reaction to his execution was a display of the fire that wants to burn this archaic, disgusting node of state violence to ash. It's the ultimate exercise of force, it's the definitive line of power over life and it's not okay. Ever. Troy Davis' execution was easier to be appalled at than the execution of Osama Bin Laden, but they were two facets of the same action that is, at base, the essence of domination. It's the first and last oppressive tool and it needs to stop.

4. I want to open a traditional Onsen in the East Village and call it Friendbath. I know you bougy kids would love that kind of space. All tiled and clean and you can be naked and sit in pools so hot they make your skin red. And there will be a required self-cleansing ritual prior to entry so make sure you bring your own soap and a loofah.

5. I want to spit roast an entire pig.  This' ll have to wait a few months but if anyone's down just get at me cause I'm trying to get my pork right. I didn't eat it for the first 16 years of my life and I'm making up for lost time.  In the meantime if you wanna take me out for pork buns or soup dumplings, please also just holler. Hana May will give you my number if you bribe her with a few of either.

6. I want men to stop telling women to smile on the street.  I want to look at a man and say, "hey pretty, why don't you smile?" and then spit in his face.  Like, I would rather have you say something about my ass than ask me to smile.  It's so much more vindictive and nuanced to tell a woman to smile than it is to holler at her fat ass. If you're gonna do it, do it all the way. If you're gonna be right wing, be a preachy republican so I can hate you. All this wishy washy liberal misogyny bull shit is just too much.

7. I want to eliminate corporate personhood and put extensive legal caps on derivative trading.

8. This might just be residual from number 6 but I want to full force punch someone straight in the face. With a wind up and a connection I think I could really do some damage, it's just one of those physical motions that everyone pretends, but I wanna hit you in the face for real.

9. I want these still.

10. I want to hit the strip clubs in Fort McMurray, Alberta. The last time I was there I really didn't get the chance to get loose the way I wanted to because I was recording everything and had my research hat on. And I was courting a corporate exec to get info from her and she wasn't down to party at Showgirls.

11. I want an invisibility cloak.

12. I want you to listen to this and get more at Cluster.

CLUSTER EXCLUSIVE: Drake ft. The Weeknd - Crew Love (Nadus Remix) by Cluster Mag

13. I want to be a videogirl.  I always have, it's just one of those intense desires that I can't entirely understand.  What do you do when you want to be a feminist and a video girl at the same time? You do what you want.  When in doubt, ask yourself: WWLKD? (what would lil kim do?) STAY TUNED BECAUSE THIS WILL HAPPEN.

14. I want to physically touch Kim Jong Il's body.  This one is less likely but in the meantime here's a meme.  I mean, in the meme-time.

15. I want to fuck Tim Robbins.


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