My Blog__ I’M NOT A GIRL, NOT YET A WOMAN

December 13, 2011 | By

I'M NOT A GIRL, NOT YET A WOMAN

SIX SIGNS YOU HAVE STARTED TO BECOME A WOMAN

Sometimes life is just like a Britney Spears' song.

Certain things happen to your body and your mind when you go from a 19-year-old woman to a 26-year-old-one. I'm sure that if my mom read this she'd laugh in my face, show me her C-section scars and make me feel an inch tall. My changes are still legit. After twenty-five, the downward spiral begins. Here is how I know it's happening to me.

YOU HAVE TO TAKE PILLS EVERY DAY

Girls don't have to take pills every day. They drink milk, eat candy and brush their teeth with bubble gum toothpaste. Teenagers don't take pills, unless it's recreational ecstasy or birth control. And, when you are twenty-one you're body is an invincible, curvy canvas stretched tight over your bones. Damn.

Now, I have to take Women's One-A-Day Multivitamins, fish oil, cranberry pills, Vitamin C, Digestive Enzymes and birth control. If I don't, I won't be able to take a shit for days, I'll get a U.T.I. and then probably break out with adult acne.

YOU WATCH WHAT YOU CONSUME

Gone are the days when I can stuff my drunken face with McDonalds, wash it down with a Cola and a pack of cigarettes then pass out on the couch with my shoes on. If I do that now I wake up feeling terrible. My mouth is dry from the salty food, my stomach is ballooned and I know I won't shit all day and my gums sting because I didn't brush my teeth before bed. Toss in a bunch of greasy pills and two years ago this was my weekend routine. I can not do this anymore. It just doesn't feel good. I want to eat fruits, leaves, nice steak and nuts. They taste great and they don't break my bowels. I want to cook my own meals instead of eating shitty sushi because I'm late for work because I stayed out until 5am partying. Being a woman means knowing that consumption is a good thing (I'll never grow out of being a lush) but only in moderation.

Me, 19-years-old with my first boyfriend and some beers

YOU CAN NOT GO TO WORK HUNG OVER (THAT OFTEN) ANYMORE

Remember when you were 19-years-old and you could drink a six pack of sugary coolers, barf your guts out and still make it to soccer practice the next morning? It's such a magical thing but it does not last long. I can still party and then suffer through an eight-hour work day, but I feel devastated and the minute I sit down to go pee, I want to throw up all over the floor. I currently work 40 hours a week at my day job and also freelance. My work day doesn't start and end with a punch in. I guess this is just a prep for when I finally pop out a child because I hear that shit doesn't cool down for at least 18 to 25 years.

YOU CAN SHARE CLOTHES WITH YOUR MOTHER

My mother looks good for her age. Excellent in fact, but she takes care of herself by running, hiking with her dogs and eating right. When my mom buys a new pair of jeans then freaks out because they are a bit too hip, she passes them onto me. This is a new thing for us. As much as I love it, it reminds that I am no longer (and will never, ever again be) a size 2.

"Cleavage Cupcakes" which you can stuff your sagging bra with

YOUR BRAS LAST LONGER THAN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

Sadly, my boobs are as big as they are ever going to get (until some unlucky fool knocks me up). This means I have bras that have lasted the length of at least three long-term relationships. When you turn into a woman, you forget to treat yourself to bras because they don't really matter anymore. What kind of woman fucks with her bra on anyway?

YOUR FRIENDS ARE GETTING MARRIED AND HAVING BABIES AND YOU THINK YOU COULD TOO

One day everyone is sitting in the park talking about bass strings and tank tops then the next it's baby names and travelers insurance. It's a pretty nice little fantasy and then you open your fridge and see only pickles and stale bread or use the toilet roll to wipe when you realize there is no toilet paper. When you have kids, when you have a family, there a certain expectations. I think toilet paper is one of them.

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