August 13, 2009 | By

For the last three days I have been just North of Kamloops on a fishing trip with my boyfriend and his family. Surprisingly, it was fun. Sitting in a boat all day drinking beer, smoking, talking and casting a rod makes for a pretty good time. Who knew? So, after the trip my boyfriend and his brother stayed up in cabin land to see some friends, while Brenna (my boyfriends brothers girlfriend) and I headed back to the city.

The drive was about four hours, so we decided to pull into Save On Foods to get some necessities: smokes and snacks. As soon as we entered the super market we headed for the produce which happens to be real close to the bulk candy aisle. So, as Brenna fished through the green grapes, I headed to the bulk area to taste test. I always do this. Everyone does. It's no big deal. But on this particular day, the green grummy frogs weren't looking too hot, so instead of grabbing a mitt full, I picked one out and popped it in my mouth. There, I thought. Just enough flavor to last me to the check out counter.

So, we paid for our items and walked out the sliding doors. Suddenly, a stocky, tanned man steps in front of me and holds his hand up to my chest.

"Excuse me Miss, can you come over here please?"


He looked straight into my eyes with a DOG The Bounty Hunter no-bullshit stare, "Were you planning to pay for that candy you consumed in the bulk aisle?"

I was stunned. After years of free bulk meals I was finally busted for one fucking candy. "Well, I guess not since I ate it and didn't pay."

He continued his speech, "Miss, what you did is not only a criminal offense, but a major health violation to our facility. This is serious. If I arrest you right now, you could be looking at a criminal record and denied access to the US for up to 7 years."

Jeee-susss Christ man! It's a gummy frog! "Health risk?"

"Yes, let's say you had been touching peanuts and you dig your hand in there, grab a candy. Then, some innocent child with a peanut allergy eats those candies and ends up in the hospital. That's a health risk, you are the health risk. Or what about junkies with open wounds who infect the candy when they steal? We now have to throw that whole gummy frog bin out because of you."

Whoa, Diva. "I'm sorry. I didn't even think of that I guess," At this point I'm just trying not to laugh. "I won't do it again."

Rent-a-cop and his partner (who has somehow magically emerged from the depths of the potted plant section and is hovering behind me) look at one another, smile then turn back at me, "We're going to let you off easy. We won't charge you, but we do need to take your information to report it to the store."

As I hand them my passport, I can see a grin bursting out of Brenna's face.

The guy reads over my passport, "Oh, Vancouver eh? Nice address. 14th Avenue. Sounds pretty decent."

Oh please mother fucker, I am not what you think I am. "Yeah, it's a good spot to live."

After he is done writing down my credentials, he asks me if I know my drivers license number. I say 'no' and decide not to tell him that I lost that shit months ago.

"Alright Miss, remember don't steal and have a nice day."

"I won't. Thanks"

Wow. I'm too old for this.

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