My Blog__ SHORE, SERIOUSLY: SEASON 5, EPISODE 4

January 27, 2012 | By

This is Mish Way & Jess Bloom's Shore, Seriously aka joint masochism. We appreciate you tagging along for our journey of suffering.

Jersey Shore has gotten so bad that I can't even remember why I started watching it. It's still early in the season and I already find myself reluctantly turning it on. I watched this week's episode while unpacking my suitcase from Israel. What are you doing during Jersey Shore? There's no way people are fully investing themselves in this show. These episodes are for the stoned, hungover and unemployed. Word up to those of you who are all three.

Jersey Shore's production team has made a concerted effort to keep the cast's celebrity at bay. What idiots. We've written about this before so I'm not going to rehash the points. In this episode, however, they seemed to slip up a little bit. I'm hoping that this is because they're going to ease the show in that direction but it's probably because it's impossible to control an environment that's saturated with the very thing you're trying to control. The best example of this is the Shore Store. Most of the shirts on sale are Jersey Shore themed from "I have a Situation" to "Yeah Buddy!!" and Deena even holds up a shirt with the show's logo on it. Stop fucking around and just go meta.

There are 2 schools of thought when it comes to the future of Jersey Shore: meta pushers and cast changers (i.e. address the cast's fame or change the cast altogether). For cast changers, this episode was a real teaser. Personally, I never thought Danny was serious about changing the cast and found the storyline to be a waste of time. Also, how could anyone possibly believe that Danny has power over a mutimillion dollar television franchise? He owns the Shore Store. The girls who "interviewed" for the job were obviously winners of some radio contest. They could never compete on screen with the likes of Snooki and Deena. You know who could? The Wizard of Ass. This man is the hook-up for Mike and Pauly's birthday strippers but if he ever wanted to change industries (albeit not by much) he should apply for a spot in the Jersey Shore cast.

After celebrating the birthdays of their oldest brethren, the crew headed to Staten Island to "free Vinny." Is this actually where Vinny lives? His room looks like a college dorm and he has a rifle mounted above his bed. That's exactly the kind of decor every person with an anxiety disorder needs.

If you needed any clarification that this storyline was forced, Pauly D offered it in one of the best slip ups I've ever witnessed. This was suppose to be a spur of the moment jailbreak but obviously that would never work for TV. Production has to make sure Vinny was waiting in his house ready to go. As the cast awkwardly surrounds him, Pauly notices the TV on in the background and says, "You can't watch TV!" For a show pretending not to be a show, I'm surprised they didn't edit this out. As per all reality shows, the cast can't watch TV because it would make them boring. Pauly's reprimand exposes the fact that Vinny knew that his cast members were on their way. 100 detective points to me.

For additional detective points, I offer you the screencap above with Vinny's headshot on the fridge. He's famous! Just admit it already Jersey Shore! Ok, I'm done harping on it.

Are you still watching this show? What do you do while it's on? If there's music to make love to, is there also TV to cut your toenails to? Discuss.

-Jess Bloom

Read last week's recap here.

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