My Blog__ Shore, Seriously: Season 4, Episode 2

August 12, 2011 | By

Here we go again with Shore, Seriously--the back & forth column that dives deep into a show that is little more than the shallow end of pop culture's swimming pool aka Jersey Shore. Alternating episodes, Mish Way and I have created an epistolary exchange for your reading pleasure. We take this shit seriously.

The last season of Jersey Shore was a tough one to get through, but Mish and I did it because we are champs. MTV was beating a dead horse and production's refusal to incorporated any meta-qualities was not making the situation any better. Let me explain--

We all know that the cast is famous and we all know that they know they're famous. We also know that everyone at Seaside knows exactly who they are and the place is crawling with paparazzi who know an easy gig when they see one. Futhermore, a lot of the fights and reconciliations surrounding Sam where directly related to her watching the episodes of the previous season as they aired.

For some reason, Jersey Shore's producers didn't want to acknowledge any of the above. I think it would have been interesting to A) see them deal with their celebrity and B) hear their reactions to episodes from season 2. That's meta. That's even verging on art...but obviously the Shore is not about art. It's about watching the boys mysteriously bang one million more chicks than they did in previous seasons without a whisper of their newfound fame and fortune.

Shipping the Shore cast to Italy was brilliant because they are not celebrities in Europe. Like the good old days of season 1, they're just a bunch of whackjobs with fake tans hollering at each other in public. Because they do their hollering in English and not Italian, breaking into Florentian society has not gone smoothly. That means that they have to interact with each other more. At times, during season 3, there were so many people coming in and out of the house that I didn't know if I was watching a reality show or the surveillance film from a brothel. Now, only 2 episodes into season 4, Pauly D hasn't picked anyone up in the club except for Deena "The Tongue" Cortese.

Even in Italy, production stays strong with their part-time job story line. A t-shirt store, a gelato shop, a pizza parlour--it's all ridiculous. Even years from now, when they've blown all their money on blow, they won't be working minimum wage. Some bar, somewhere, will hire them to mix cocktails while they tell stories of washed up fame. At least we got this stellar quotation from JWoww:

"When I'm 80 years old and I'm making pizza in my kitchen and I'm teaching my kids how to make pizza and they ask me, 'Oh where'd you make pizza?'--Bitch, I made it in Florence, that's where I made pizza so shut your mouth and enjoy my pizza."

I hope to be reincarnated as one of JWoww's children. By my calculations, I could still live another 30 years and make that dream come true. I'd recognize her face right outta the womb because I don't think it's going to change much. I'm getting used to her new face, actually. It's what's underneath the skin the counts, and what's underneath is the same ol' Jenni from the block, just a girl "trying not to piss in public...again". Also, did anyone catch when the boys made fun of her for playing laser tag? That's probably how she got so thin. Laser tag lock-ins. No food, no water, just laser tag all night long.

The rest of the cast members seem to be up to the same old tricks--spilling feelings, drinks and secrets. I'm not sure I really care about the Pauly/Deena and Mike/Snooki story lines but I'm willing to stick it out. When it comes to Ron and Sam, it goes like this: "Single Ronnie" is a sloppy Joe of a man and Sam finds his dance moves irresistible. She goes berserk, which turns him on, so they wriggle around in a single bed and then scream at each other until they weep.

The only way I can understand Sam's attraction to Ronnie is if I consider my relationship with dollar-a-slice pizza. I know it's bad for me and I'm pretty sure that the owner bribes health inspectors in order to stay open, but when I'm drunk there's nothing more delicious in the world. Eventually Sam will (metaphorically) catch a case of food poisoning and realize that the hot dog stand down the street has, like, 8 different toppings.

Go get your hot dog, girl. If it's Italian sausage, that's even better.

Click here to read Mish's recap of episode 1

Click here to see what we said about season 3

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