My Blog__ Shore, Seriously: Season 4, Episode 3

August 20, 2011 | By

Shore, Seriously–the back & forth column about Jersey Shore is a little less "back & forth" this week because Mish's band is playing Total Fest in Montana. I've saddled up for double duty because my band is non-existent (who needs a tambourine player?) but I know that wherever she is, she's thinking seriously about Jersey Shore.

Someone needs to make me some rubber bracelets that say "WWDD" because after this episode I'm looking to Deena for the answers. She is a blast in a catchphrase-filled glass who keeps boredom at bay. I think the magic is in her Jersey Turnpike. When she bends over on the dance floor, her magic spreads around the room like pixie dust.

Between hooking up with her "lean cuisine" waiter, hollering at the boys for their antiquated double standard and pulling the best robbery on Mike in the history of the world, she saved this episode. What else happened in episode 3? Nothing. Ron and Sam got back together (yawn), Snooki flips on Mike (double yawn) and the others get drunk.

Pauly D and Vinny were so boring that we had to watch them play foosball multiple times. MULTIPLE TIMES. This is bad television. So bad that I actually thought, "What happened to that pizza job?" and I completely don't care about their pizza job.

Vinny also gets demerit points for the laziest hook-up ever. After Deena seduced one of the twins with her Sapphic charm, she realized she wasn't actually a lesbian (see: sobered up) and rolled over, leaving Vinny to seal the deal. He just lay there and she plunked herself on top. Sexy, romantic and intimate--the emotional trio everyone seeks for their First Time.

Oh yes, the little twin who treated the Jersey Shore cast like a sex buffet claimed to be a virgin. A virgin. What a great line. This girl is a pro. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if she was hired by the producers just for the purpose of this episode. Twins? From Florida? In Italy? Who really want to have brunch with the Situation? Welcome to Set-Up City.

For approximately one million reasons, I have never/would never slept with a guy like Pauly, Vinny, Mike or Ron and I'm intrigued by the women who do. Why would you ever want to fuck a guy who thinks so little of you? They have said on multiple occasions in multiple ways that they don't respect the women they bring home from clubs and yet season after season, girls go home with them.

Have you seen this super offence blog-essay that Vinny wrote about the infamous double standard? He equates women's  sexual transactions with gold--as in, every time they have sex they give away some of "their gold". There's also a bizarre couple of sentences where he explains that porn stars sell their "gold" for money so "although she is getting pounded on camera, technically she is being rewarded for the goods that she possesses."

I'm pro-slut, love a slut, but sluts, you gotta be slutty with someone who doesn't consider you devalued because you're giving it up. As much as I love a night vision sex scene, it's starting to make me feel sad. I hope the twins took home some of that Jersey money so that they were "rewarded for the goods". I can't wait to hear Mish's thoughts on this next week.

Click here to read my recap of the previous episode.

Click here to see what we said about season 3.

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