My Blog__ Shore, Seriously: Season 4, Episode 11

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Shore, Seriously: the Jersey Shore back & forth recap that takes these people way more seriously than they deserve to be, admittedly.

Even though the gang brought their A game this week (drinking, fighting and indecent proposals), I can't help but be relieved that it's all coming to an end. Not the end-end, just the end of this season. There's going to be more. At Sunday night dinner, they started negotiating rooms for back at the Shore. I didn't pay attention to the specifics because everything translated into a dark hollow wail of doom in my ears. It's official, Jersey Shore is going to milk this cow until it's dry and chapped.

Speaking of dry and chapped, episode 11 was mostly dedicated to the Meatballs' Last Hurrah. They clubbed in a cafe, hot tubbed in their dresses and played hooker on the streets of Florence. Put sleeping with Vinny on the top of that classy cake and you've got Jionni's dream girl.

Everyone's favourite petite lovers left their fate undecided at the beginning of the episode with Snooki explaining, "I know you don't like this but you need to handle it to be with me." Now if you're half the fan I hope you are, you're following Snooki on Twitter and know that these two are back together. Jionni continues to choke down the aforementioned Vinny-topped cake for one reason only--money. Does anyone have any doubt about this? He made it pretty clear that he doesn't respect her behaviour but there he is being Twitpic'd around America at various clubs. Who's the whore now, Jionni. Who is the whore?

Alright, so it's still basically these two meatballs. No, no, not whores. I've actually known whores and they would never dance on tables in a cafe. That's what makes Snooki and Deena so good at TV. They know what I want to see before I even realize it. Remember when everyone thought they had sex but they didn't think they went all the way? Now we know who to believe. These two couldn't figure out how to make lady love. They can barely figure out a solid tabletop grind. Deena might have a future in yoga, though. Sign me up for those classes. Drunk yoga, it's like ganja yoga, but not.

Then things got a bit dark. Italy turned on our beloved cast members like a mother eating its young. Using some light to moderate detective skills, I'm going to say that at this point in the filming the countrymen were starting to figure out who these people were. It's not inconceivable that they didn't care for their American brethren, but it's more likely that these were some good old fashioned hecklers. Mike yells at the crowd for a bit and enjoys a bodyguarded procession out of the club. Snooki takes a more hands-on approach and smashes every single bottle on the bar.

Can we all just agree that this is the worst hair of all time? Anyway, as I've said time and time again, this show would be so much better if it just embraced the true reality of what was going on. Let's turn up the real, Jersey Shore. Club crowds turn on the cast but no one explains it. They play it off like this just happens to people in Italy sometimes. It sucks, but just sometimes bartenders throw ice on you and hoards of people yell "Shame". I want to see what happens after Snooki is manhandled away from the bar she just devastated. I want to see the part where she throws $100 bills and says, "I'm a fucking millionaire in America, assholes." Unfortunately, Jersey Shore will never do this. Instead they will take the same formula and milk it to the dry and chapped end.

Speaking of dry and chapped at the end, check out our girl Deena propositioning Pauly with a taco in her hand. There's something to be said for an aggressive woman, but Deena, baby, you're scaring men. I watched this episode next to a guy who literally recoiled when she came on screen. The blush, the boobs, the Turnpike dance movies--it's all too much. Reign it back. Be a little coy. Maybe make eye contact and then look away and then look back. That's a really good move that often leads to sex. Announcing to a house full of people that you're a good lay with a fistful of taco is not a good move.

Deena needs some serious Patti Stanger coaching. Sure, she'll tell you to "put your penis away," among other borderline sexist catchphrases, but Deena needs this. She also needs Carmindy to help her re-evaluate her make-up choices. Why aren't there more reality TV crossovers? Why are we going back to the Jersey Shore when we could be going to Celebrity Rehab or straight up Intervention? I think I need an intervention if I continue to watch this show next season.

Read last week's recap here.

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4 Responses to “Shore, Seriously: Season 4, Episode 11”

  1. Mish mish says:

    The taco! I totally missed the taco!

  2. Jess Bloom Jess Bloom says:

    it was totally symbolic like giving a girl flowers or men fighting each other with swords.

  3. Dana says:

    Maybe make eye contact and then look away and then look back. That’s a really good move that often leads to sex. Love ur refs

  4. Jess Bloom Jess Bloom says:

    stay tuned for upcoming book: MOVES BY JESS BLOOM

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