My Blog__ SHORE SERIOUSLY: SEASON 4, EPISODE 9

October 02, 2011 | By

This week's Shore Seriously, the most serious recap of Jersey Shore around, is a special GIF edition. The effect is very interactive, you see. The images will make you feel a little bit dizzy--which is how our beloved cast members feel every afternoon when they wake up. Pop a gravol and settle in.

Last week Mish Way discussed the "voyeuristic pleasure in the spectacle that is Snooki" and I agree wholeheartedly. This season is shaping up to be all about Snooki. Girlfriend is really earning her paycheck in the last couple of episodes. The drinking, the fighting, the coochie-flashing--somebody give her an Emmy. Other things Snooki should possibly be given: a liver test and a longer dress. Maxi dresses are totally in. Have fun and keep your vagina covered up too!

I scouted out this option for Snooki because I am superb hypothetical personal stylist. If Snooki had only inquired about my services, this whole mess with Jionni never would have happened. Just kidding. It would have. He's uptight, controlling and egocentric. Also, I've seen his eyebrows up close in some of Snooki's twitpics and they are terrifying.

There is, of course, another side to this. Mish mentioned in her post for episode 8 that it takes a special person to handle millions of viewers watching your detrimental events. "And, in this case," Mish wrote, "I’m not sure if 'special' means 'dumb' or 'incredible'." In this week's episode, it was abundantly clear that Jionni doesn't have the chops for airing dirty drunken laundry on camera. To that I say, along with the consensus of the rest of the cast, shape up or ship out. You knew what you were getting into when you saddled up with Snooki.

Isn't it amazing how much of Jersey Shore is subtitled? Anyway, Snooki spirals into self-loathing and Jwoww enters to clean up Jionni's mess. Her behaviour in this episode was like one big advertisement for The Rules According to Jwoww, her self-help book. She gives Snooki tough love, some soft love and rounds it out by chewing out Mike on her behalf. Remember when she punched him in the head? I'm surprised that doesn't happen more often.

Mike, who also "authored" a book titled Here's the Situation, is getting creepier by the day. When the gang decides to bust out Pauly D's bedazzled laptop and recreate Karma, Mike turned up the creepy to 11. During the simple action of removing Snooki's shoes he made me throw up in my mouth and recoil my pubococcygeus muscle.

Ultimately, Mike is good for the show because he stirs shit up. He sells everyone out and spreads half-truths without flinching. For life, he is the worst but for the show, it works. As fake-Karma is coming to a close, he tells everyone about Snooki giving him a blowie. Sam and Jenni are appropriately appalled but Mike doesn't seem to understand that this is socially unacceptable behaviour.

The rest of episode 9 consisted of boring pizza shop footage, pranks that aren't really pranks and unrequited sexual advances. In the case of Deena and Pauly, it's pathetic. Come on, girl. He's just not that into you! There's a book you can read about that and even a movie starring Ginnifer Goodwin.

In the case of Snooki and Vinny, I'm not sure what the deal is. However, as a parting gift, dear readers, I have made a gif of the Jersey Shore mating rituals: get drunk, climb in bed to snuggle, bluntly ask to be fucked and then shimmy underneath the duvet as cameras film on. It's modern romance.

Read last week's recap here.

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