My Blog__ SHORE, SERIOUSLY: SEASON 5, EPISODE 1

January 06, 2012 | By

We know you've missed us, and them. Here's more Shore, Seriously for your reading pleasure. Last year Mish covered the finale so now I'm going to hit you with the premiere.

Can you believe Jersey Shore is still on the air? Can you believe that Mish & I signed up for another season of recaps? We're not quitters, friends. As long as our favourite guidos and guidettes are getting sloppy on film, we'll be here to cover the ins and outs. In and Out count for 2012: two, FYI.

Let's just get this out of the way right at the beginning--I'm not wasting time on Vinny's homesickness. It's valiant of the producers to try and push a storyline that doesn't have to do with sex or fighting but this "I miss my family" routine is boring. This is literally Vinny's job. This is all he has to do to make a living--a better living than most of us will ever make. Personally, I'm ashamed that I used to pick Vinny as the cast member I'd do. These days, I'd kick it with JWoww.

Girl, I'd take you out for a burger. What a lady. When she had to pee in Captain Hooks, she asked Snooki and Ryder to turn on the water so that we couldn't hear her pee! This, from the chick that popped a squat in the club in Season 3! In a show with very little-to-no character development, JWoww's evolving bathroom habits put her a cut above the rest.

Urine also played a role in one of the episode's greatest one-liners: "My bed is my bed and, like, I peed in it last year so who would want to sleep in that bed?" Solid argument, Snooki. I bet each and every one of those beds would light up like a Glo Worm underneath a black light.

Snooki is such a hit factory. If she was a recording artist, she'd be Prince meets Phil Collins meets Madonna. Everything she does is reality TV gold, from slurping back pickle juice to tangling herself in a cuckolding web of lies. Between The Unit and The Situation, Snooki is between a rock and a hard place. Do any of us doubt that she fellated Mike? I'm surprised she hasn't just vomited everywhere and pleaded insanity.

The showdown that occurred at Captain Hooks [sic] was pretty uncomfortable to watch. These guys are the worst. They even made her apologize for calling The Unit a loser. "If you didn't have Mike," Snooki said, "you'd be a fucking loser." I beg to differ, Snooks. He's still a fucking loser. There's only room for one friend-of-the-cast and it's Ryder. Everyone else, back off. You'll never trump her bleary-eyed charm.

Don't be fooled by the roses in the foreground. This kiss holds all the romance of my grandmother's post-Christmas dinner fart. Unfortunately, Deena's feelings were hurt. Now Deens, I know you're busy but I'm kind of offended that you haven't caught up on your Shore, Seriously. If Deena only took the time to read our column, she'd know that a) we love her and b) she needs to get a copy of He's Just Not That Into You. I usually don't recommend things more than once but I am so passionate about this that I'm going to repeat myself. Deena, baby, move on. It's getting sad and also slightly creepy:

Pauly and Ryder are decidedly pre-coital and Deena takes the opportunity to sit at the end of their bed. It was so heartbreakingly awkward for her that I almost prayed for a threesome. Just let the girl hop on it for a quick sec, Paul. It's not like you respect the women you sleep with anyway. After a magical and tender night of love-making with sweet Ryder, Pauly D announces to the world: "I don't want to be rude...so whether you're the first man in or the last man in...Ride'r!"

This is exactly what I'm talking about with the little-to-no character development. Since the very beginning, Jersey Shore reinforced ye olde double standard and run-of-the-mill slut-shaming. There's no denying that Ryder's "really riding around town in this house," as Sam says, but why is everyone ganging up on her? Why do people get behind calling someone a slut? At this point, I'm behind Ryder and her dildo-sized chapstick:

Hell, I hope Vinny goes home because then Ryder can replace him. As for "The Unit," here's a tip to all my readers: Don't fuck a guy who sprays aerosol cologne on his dick.

This might be a long season...Stay tuned for Mish's analysis of next week's episode.

-Jess Bloom

Read last season's finale recap here.

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