My Blog__ Shore Seriously: Season 5 Twofer (Ep. 10 & 11)

March 15, 2012 | By

You should know by now that this is Shore, Seriously with Mish Way and Jess Bloom. Thanks for sticking out the season of Jersey Shore with us. It's been a liquor-soaked ride for everyone involved.

Just like Vinny's sexual holy grail, we're pulling a twofer on episodes 10 and 11. There are probably other comparisons to make--quick, sloppy with two slightly disinterested women--but mostly we combined the final episodes because nothing really happened last week. Mike told Jionni about his pre-Italy beej and everyone went camping except for Pauly and Vinny who turned the house inside out. Jersey Shore pranks are the worst. I'd rather watch Ron work the register at the Shore Store then see these lame ass pranks.

In my last recap, I bet everyone a glass of house wine that Jionni would say nothing after Mike's confrontation and I was right. I did, however, think that he'd storm away so I'll let you take a few sips out of my glass if you want to collect. It's probably safe to say that everyone was a bit surprised by Jionni. He shakes Mike's hand and then goes back to bed and cuddles his cuckolder. They must have worked something out off camera, right? For a second I was really interested in the behind the scenes of their relationship. For a second.

Of course the notable fallout of this storyline was the cast's deduction that he must not love her. If Jionni loved her, they each said in their own way, he would have caused a huge fight. The boys even said that Jionni's so calm because he's screwing around on her too. Way harsh, dudes.

The relationships of Jersey Shore have always been the most interesting element. In fact, we started this column because we were so fascinated by their social dynamics. We know that the infamous "double standard" exists but it's never played such an obvious role in our lives unlike what we saw on screen with Sam, Snooki, Deena and Jenni week after week. It's a dirty guido world out there and we're glad our boys don't rock blowouts or fake tan or wear matching t-shirts to the club.

It's a pity that the producers still turn to contrived storyline to fill up episodes. The guido camping trip was awful. Its only purpose was to confirm that Mike is, indeed, slipping into cocaine psychosis. I guess instead of bugs, he senses bears. Mike follows up this bizarre behaviour with a solid dose of irrational irritability when he returns to the house. Good times.

I am this close to accepting a challenge wherein I have to recreate Deena's outfits every time I hit the town. Leopard print bra, white halter and pearl necklaces? Amazing. I don't really have anything to say about Deena in these episodes. I just wanted to show you this screen cap.

So much of the final episode was dedicated to Deena's sister being a squirter. It restored my faith in Jersey Shore. There's boring Shore Store segments and camping trip/fishing trip expeditions but then...squirting siblings. I'm going to end this post with a quotation from Mike. "She's a squirter, that's cool as hell." Joanie and Frank, together forever.

-Jess Bloom

Read last week's recap here.

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