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This is Shore, Seriously by Mish Way and Jess Bloom. We're pretty sure we're the only people still taking this show seriously. Cast and production included.

What the fuck is the storyline for this season? Ron and Sammi aren't fighting, Vinny's anxiety has passed and Mike's threats to reveal Snooki's infidelity have proven to be empty. What is this show about? At first we got an insider glimpse into a ridiculous subculture but now watching the guidos do their guido thing has become so boring I'm reminded of why I passed on it during high school. Sure, the tear-away Adidas pants were both comfortable and figure-flattering but all those hours in the movie theatre parking lot talking about car parts became tedious. Season 5 of Jersey Shore brings me back to the brief period of my adolescence when I zoned out in the front seat of parked cars watching the jacked-up CD player glow like the northern lights. Don't get too excited, guys. That was literally a weekend in 10th grade before I switched over to punk shows at the rec centre. Those guys had pot, at least.

I'm really hoping that Pauly D or Vinny contracts an STD soon. HIV at the Shore has a certain ring to it, doesn't it? It will be like that first season of The Real World where Pedro teaches the world about AIDS. Pauly and/or Vinny will become the figurehead for a new era of AIDS awareness. They'll acknowledge their part in whimsically spreading the disease and lament the desperate need to look like a stud on reality television that led to their infection. When they finally meet their dream girls, they'll have to figure out the best way to break the news. They'll also have to deal with ignorant cast members (Ronnie and Sam) who refuse to share a toilet seat with the HIV duo. Sorry Pauly and/or Vinny. You guys might have to get AIDS to save the show.

An easy storyline option would be to focus on Snooki's alcoholism. In this episode she already admitted she needs AA. Yes baby doll, you do. Your life has become a meaningless sequence of comped drinks in dive bars. Even when you think you're on top of the world in some VIP booth in Vegas slugging back Grey Goose, you're not. People love you for being a train wreck. I know I did. It was a pure and true love, but now you just make me sad. When you pissed yourself while dancing in the club last episode, I would have texted Dr. Drew an SOS if I had his number. I've listened to so many Loveline archives that I feel like I already know what Drew's thinking. We gotta get you into rehab, girl. Jersey Shore can follow your journey so that you still bring in some coin. Jenni will be there for you and Deena will try to seduce you back into the life of bar-top dancing and blackout makeouts. A solid relapse or two will bring us to the next season wherein you've found God or something equally ridiculous.

My last storyline suggestion might be controversial because it goes against common sense. Obviously, the cast of Jersey Shore should be sterilized in order to prevent future generations. As Mish pointed out in her recap of last week's episode, there is likely some light-to-moderate brain damage going on anyway. I'm not being Jersey Shore-ist about procreation. I happen to think that there are many people unfit for children who should be screened prior to insemination. Deena, however, should be allowed an entire brood of hoodlums. She had a pregnancy scare back in Italy and I think that was a missed opportunity for the show. Get Deena knocked up and the show will be 100 times better. Sure, she won't be able to drink but when she sneaks a glass of wine here or there the controversy will be ripe. There's just something about Deena that screams "Mom" to me. I picture her brushing bronzer on her baby's face and trying to figure out the breast pump while dangling a cig from her mouth. If Deena wants to stay in the spotlight, her best bet is to go hard on the fertility drugs and pop out some duplicates. I'm not being facetious in the slightest. I genuinely wish Deena was my mom.

What storyline would you like to see on Jersey Shore? What's your latest fuck, marry, kill? Mine's Jwoww, Jwoww and Ronnie.

-Jess Bloom

Read last week's recap here.

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  1. Mish Mish says:

    Fuck, marry, kill: Vinny (It’d be a hate fuck but I’m curious about his alleged monster dick), Jwowww (Obviously) and Snooki (put her out of her misery).

    I also nominate Vinny to get an debilitating STD. He needs a scare.

  2. […] to hell, guys or what we call Shore, Seriously. For some weird reason, Jess Bloom and I seem to like staying here. Maybe because it’s […]

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