My Blog__ SHORE, SERIOUSLY: SEASON 5, EPISODE 9

March 01, 2012 | By

Why walk on coals when you could start a column about Jersey Shore with Mish Way? Jersey Shore burns leopard print into our retinas.

It seems like Snooki's going to be a baby mama and to tell you the truth, I'm still in shock. I don't want it to be true. She strikes me as a person who doesn't quite know who she is yet or what she wants and throwing a baby into that mix will be a disaster of Teen Mom proportions. At the end of this episode, Mike pounces on Jionni to "break it wide open." He also says, "I'm going to make this really quick and painless as possible," which is what I imagine he says to women underneath the covers. For the first time this season I'm interested in seeing the next episode to gauge Jionni's reaction. I bet you a glass of house wine he says nothing and storms away.

At least we know this girl's not pregnant. I feel like Gina, from New York, was waiting for Pauly to be like, "No sweat, girl, we'll just lay down a towel," but you and I both knew that was never going to happen. Pauly D and Vinny are shamers. I'm not a big fan of all the "fat shame" and "slut shame" terminology that's been running rampant on blogs these days but that's exactly what these guys are doing. Can you believe that MTV showed clips of chubby thighs dancing around while Pauly and Vinny deemed the crowd full of grenades? These men are the worst kind of men in the world. Ok, maybe not child rapers and wife beaters but after that, it's Pauly D and Vinny. I bet you a second glass of house wine that none of these DTF girls have orgasms.

Although the men of Jersey Shore haven't changed much since the first season, it's interesting to note that the women definitely have. They've worked out their girl code and stopped all the passive aggressive warfare. They compliment each other, protect each other and aren't afraid of their sexuality. Deena almost faltered and went home with Joey but in the end she made the right decision. Sam, who once flipped out because her friends told her the truth, stepped up and saved Deena a lot of heartache. Poor Deena. My heart just breaks for Deena.

A closing note on Shore, Seriously's 2012 Meta Watch: Did you see how crazy those club scenes where? Booms, mics and lighting everywhere? In the background you could literally hear people saying, "There's Snooki!" This episode felt faker than any of the others. It felt scripted like a low budget soap opera, which is, essentially, what Jersey Shore is. At the Shore Store, Mike is selling t-shirts to a sea of young blonde girls who probably have agents they had to blow in order to get on the show. Check out those shirts in the background. One says: "My boyfriend is crazier than Ronnie" and another says: "I (heart) Single Ronnie." Danny has got to be the richest t-shirt vendor in the world.

-Jess Bloom

Read last week's Shore, Seriously recap here.

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