My Blog__ SHORE, SERIOUSLY: SEASON 4, EPISODE 1
August 06, 2011
I almost forgot that The Jersey Shore: Italy had started. The only reason I figured it out was because my little sister tweeted, "It's T-shirt Time" around 7pm. So, here we go. The Jersey Shore is now in it's fourth season and apparently 8.8 million viewers are ready to watch the action unfold. Sam, Ronnie, The Situation, Pauly D, JWoww, Snooki, Deena and Vinny have been set up in a beautiful mansion in Italy. They are celebrities now and have been for the last three years. Last season, we were forced to endure hours of abuse and drama from Sam and Ron. The year before that, we watched as Angelina was dogged by all her roommates for being a "whore" in Miami. And the year before that, it was the good old days when none of these guidos had book deals, BMW sports cars or plastic surgery. To kick things off, MTV followed each member around their hometown as they prepared for the big trip to Italy. Deena proved she is still a total "blast in a glass" by bending over for the old pervert at the passport office. Deena said she is on a mission this season. "I won't do sex," she declared. At least not right away. And this time, she's not into juice heads like Ronnie, she's got her (brown) eye on Pauly D. Speaking of assholes, Vinny has "grown a beard" this season. He proudly told audiences that his roommates won't even recognize him with his new beard because he's "so good looking". What beard? You mean that shadow under your nose? His beard would have been less of a joke if he had drawn it on with mascara. Vinny also noted that the first thing he did was look up the age of consent in Italy. I know that Vinny is sick of being pegged as the cute little brother, but growing a patchy beard and acting like a pedophile is not the path to manhood. The only thing he has going for him this season is that out of all eight housemates, he is the only one who can speak Italian. After a bunch of lay-over flights (strategically planned by MTV to watch the girls struggle), one giant bronzer fail from JWoww and two flights of stairs later, the gang finally arrived at their beautiful mansion in Italy. Seriously, this place is plush. It still boggles my mind that MTV can waste millions on setting these people up in the most centrally-located, finely decorated, jacuzzi-ready castle yet they only give them single cots to sleep on. They are grown ups! I guess it makes for pretty good television watching The Situation try to pack a girl and a meatball sub into bed with him. The house mates greeted one another with shriell screams and nice compliments about their tans and new hair styles. They quickly unpacked their 78 suitcases and decided to get the booze flowing. Sammi and Ronnie have officially broken up and they both seem to know how toxic their relationship is. However, when Sam saw Ron in Italy she mentioned how good he looked and smiled sheepishly. I guess she was able to look past the fact that he chased his shot of Limoncello with a glass of white wine. Oh, and I guess she also missed his cool t-shirt. After the premiere episode, the talk of the internet was all about JWoww's obvious weight loss and chiseled face. Some sites reported that Victoria Beckham is to blame. Others noted that JWoww simply had "toned" her body. Whatever the case, girl looks noticeably different but are we really that shocked? Being a reality "star" has the same pressures as anyone else in Hollywood, especially someone like JWoww who's identity is based around her banging bod and "700 CC's" (by the way, this is the actual surgical terminology for the size of her giant breasts.) JWoww responded to all the buzz around her weight loss by tweeting, "Flattered I'm the topic of tabloids. Funny what people assume when u lose weight and tone. Love the stories." During the first scene of the show, we watched as Jenni worked out with her boyfriend, Rodger (the juice head she picked up at Seaside last season) and told him that she did not want her weight to change in Italy. His response? "Yeah, me neither." Tensions seemed fairly tame as the episode went on. Snooki drove stick. The boys went to the gym. Deena freaked out because a pigeon flew near her weave. The gang tried to figure out how to convert their blow dryers for the European outlets. They got ready to go to the club. Then, Mike decided to up the drama by revealing to Ronnie that he and Snooki had been hooking up in Los Angeles even though she had a boyfriend. Ronnie did not seem impressed or even interested. In fact, he seemed completely fed up with The Situation's instigation. Lest we forget that The Situation is infamous for budding his ugly, fat nose where it does not belong and starting petty he-said-she-said fights like a bored, high school girl. When the gang finally got to the club, they proceeded to drink and dance their bronzer off. The boys relied on Vinny to try to communicate with the Italian girls. As the night rolled on, Mike cruised on Snooki, tried to make out with her and told her that he "loved her". Everyone noticed. Ronnie was pretty appauled and I think JWoww was too. She also might have just been jamming cocaine higher into her nose. I'm going with the latter. Truthfully, this episode was pretty low key but isn't this always the tactic? After the primere episode of last season, I felt disappointed but each Thursday night I still tuned in and, as I expected, shit got crazy. This episode ended with Deena forcing her tongue down Pauly's throat. It was the most awkward kiss imaginable. The kind of kiss where you can tell that Deena was in her own dream world, swirling her tongue, biting his lip all the while thinking, "Oh yeah, I got this dude. It's in the bag..." Meanwhile, Pauly's pulling his face away looking like a baby who tasted a lemon for the first time. I don't know what to expect with this season. All I know is that the highlights for up-coming episodes showed three people on stretchers, a major blow-up between Mike and Ronnie, cleavage and a whole bunch of crying. Tears, tits and tantrums. Good luck, Italy. Read last season's finale recap here.