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Welcome back to Shore, Seriously, the weekly column where Jess and I create a solid back-and-forth analysis of episodes of the trashiest reality show going, Jersey Shore. Let's see what kind of sexism and debauchery the gang got themselves messed up with this week.

Tensions were high between the guys and the girls this week. Mostly because Deena pulled a major robbery on Mike with his hot-to-trot Florida twins, proceeded to make-out with one twin and take her home, pass out for a bit and then, when the twin slowly made her way across the room to jump Vinny's bone, took the twin back into her bed to get back at it. Why is this a problem? Because, according to Mike, what Deena did - taking the girl she brought home back from Vinny - was wrong.

Excuse me? But am I missing something here? First off, let the twin chose for herself. Second, Deena brought the girl home so technically, shouldn't Vinny be scolded for dogging her? You would think, but since Vinny is a man and Deena is a woman (and two women can not have "real sex" together, you know, penis penetration), it doesn't count. Deena has always been valued as "one of the guys" by her male housemates. Remember last season when Pauly, Mike and Vinny gladly accepted her into their club renaming it M.V.P.D.? They praised Deena for being the ultimate party companion, however when her bi-curious actions messed with their game, she was quickly booted off the team.

Because they are mature, clever men with great sensitivity and even greater communication skills, Pauly and Vinny decided the best way to show Deena how they felt was by "pulling a prank on her". So, they took her bed and stuck in it in the living room. Needless to say, this kind of broke her. Finally, the three of them sat down to talk it out. "You were never this emotional before," Pauly told Deena. "You never cock blocked. You were a team player." In other words, "You were just like a bro, but not threatening to my sex game. And now you have crossed the gender boundary and I'm scared! I'm threatened by you and I have no power!" Please. These guys are so pathetic.

Last week, Jess asked why these women keep hooking up with men like Mike, Pauly and Vinny who clearly do not value them as anything more than a vagina to stick it in. It's the same reason that The Situation's "Plan B" hook-up chicks come over when he booty calls them at 5am or that Sam gets back together when Ron after he throws a piece of furniture at her: lack of confidence. In my early twenties I had a short-lived, destructive relationship with a guy who I didn't really like or respect. We would only hook up when we were drunk or bored and we treated one another poorly. There was a constant power struggle between us, but when he would invite me over at 3am, I'd go even though I didn't want to, just because it was better than being alone. I did not have the self-confidence to be okay with being alone yet and it sucked. I feel like this is the problem that plagues most of the girls that Mike, Vinny and Pauly like to take home. Maybe it's a North American thing because when Vinny tried his luck with an Italian girl, she promptly told him to screw off.

Alas, it wouldn't be an episode of The Shore without a little R.R.R. (Ronnie Roid Rage). What the fuck is going on with his face? He looks like he took a horse pill of M.D.M.A. and then mainlined a bottle of wine. Why is his face melting off? Oh right, it's because he's The Incredible Hulk and he's about to transform all over everyone's asses.

The explosion at the end of the episode was the best cliff-hanger MTV has given us so far. Due to Mike's cheerleader gossip and Ron's undeniable coke/steroid rage, we got to see the most serious of all freak-outs explode all over Italy. Did anyone else hear Pauly D tell the girl he brought home, "And that is what happens when you take steroids" when they passed Ron on the way to Pauly's bedroom? It was hilarious. Ronnie freaks and for once, his anger isn't directed at his girlfriend.

Did anyone else notice The Situation's Stacey London-style gray streaks? No wonder he ends up in a stretcher after Ronnie beats him up. He's obviously too old to be challenging The Hulk to wrestling matches. I predict that the next episode will be 90% tears and hugs.

See what Jess said about last episode.

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  1. Jess Bloom Jess Bloom says:

    you + writing about ronnie = my laughter.

    he’s the worst!! every season preview he’s telling his buddies how he’s not getting into a relationship and then every season he becomes the biggest bitch. did you catch how he looked directly at the camera when he was like, “i’m not putting pussy on the pedestal?”

    also: is deena the new jwoww? i.e. is she the new voice of feminist reason on the shore??

  2. Mish Mish says:

    Ronnie is seriously TERRIFYING. I did like how The Situation completely lost it and even let a little spit fly out his mouth when he was jumping around, screaming at Ron like a chimp.

    Yes, Deena IS the new J-Woww. Address this next episode.

  3. @staceylandon says:


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