My Blog__ Shore, Seriously: Season 4, Episode 5

September 01, 2011 | By

Ok, ok--I'm a little bit late with this week's Shore Seriously but MTV pulled a fast one and slipped in the episode 4 days early before the VMAs. Anyway, if you're new to the game, this is a back & forth recap column by me and Mish Way. We take this shit seriously. How could we not?

"Staaaaaaaaap. Staaaaap it," was all Sam yelled as her fair weather lover  and his frenemy tumbled around the bedroom. It didn't take too long before they were each pinned like prison yard bitches by a couple of burly bodyguards. In the end, the much-hyped fight was really just Mike slamming his own head into a wall.

He later admits that he injured himself because he's afraid of Ron. I mean, we all knew that, but it was big of him to admit it. The best part of the creepy-laughter infused confession was that he's done it before. He's done it before! That's his move! Ok, no, false alarm. The best part of the confession is Ronnie's response: "What? It didn't even make sense, like, I don't think I would have put you in the hospital. The wall put you in the hospital."

Newsflash hulkorama, you are the human version of a concrete wall. Remember that time in Seaside when you knocked out a guy in one punch? You would have put Mike in the hospital. Here's another example of Ronnie's lack of self-perception:  instead of bringing home a girl from the club, he brings Sam flowers. He breaks up with her and then brings her flowers. How does he explain this? "Let me be an adult and show her, you're the asshole. I'm not the asshole."

Shortly after, the "asshole roses" go into the garbage because a confused Sam asks him if he's brought a girl home. Like any girl raised by a thrifty immigrant mother, she scoops them out of the garbage can and puts them back into a vase. This is the 2nd time in the episode that she's saved her gifts from Italian waste disposal.

It's so fucked up it makes me want to cry...except for the fact that I HATE Sam. Who feels me on this? When she said, "You don't throw out diamond earrings," I was so deeply irritated that I literally blacked out for the next 2 minutes and had to rewind the episode.

I was proud of her when she gave back all those hideous market stall clothes but it turns out she didn't really mean it. She was just testing him. Her tests are more agonizing than any piano exams I took as a tone-deaf pre-tween.

During her girl's night dinner with Jenni, Snooki and Deena, they take the opportunity to explain the basics of a healthy relationship to her. It's so obvious Sam isn't listening. I could almost see her mind thinking, "I wonder what Ron is up to." She's the worst.

Dear all of my friends updating statues about morning sickness: Do everything you can to not raise a daughter like Sam.

Deena, on the other hand, is the best. She wears what she wants, she gets stupid drunk and gives the boys hell. Sometimes I worry about my little meatball, though. She looks at the camera every so often with puppy dog eyes like she's worried about being judged. Last season she had couple of freakouts because she felt like she was being misunderstood. I understand you, Deena. Just keep sipping on margaritas in Mexican milkmaid dresses.

Let's not forget that there was another fight this episode. Pauly D was innocently grinding up on a girl when all of a sudden he's fielding cries of "Che cosa." As I am fluent in "street Italian", I'll translate that for you. Boyfriend was basically saying, "What?" What, Pauly D? What? Unfortunately, this rumble is broken up prematurely by bouncers before we could see what Tybalt and his gang were going to do to our Romeo.

Speaking of Romeos, check out this picture Vinny tweeted after the VMAs:

I don't even know where to begin. I feel like I should put this photo up in women's shelters around the world. We should have a caption contest. If you've got something good, leave it in the comment section.The winner will get a photo of Mish's bra.

Read last week's recap here.

__Share this post