My Blog__ SHORE, SERIOUSLY SEASON 5: EPISODE 7

February 17, 2012 | By

Welcome to hell, guys or what we call Shore, Seriously. For some weird reason, Jess Bloom and I seem to like staying here. Maybe because it's warm.

"I don't do sex with randoms," said Deena before she and Joe humped in her single-sized, MTV provided cot while Snooki and Jenni giggled and listened to the sex noises. I guess when you have cameras hovering above your head when you fuck someone the idea of your friends being in the room doesn't really matter. It's cool, though. Deena got laid. I was getting worried that all her make-up, perfumes and mini-skirts were actually dragging her down.

If there is one thing I have learned from watching Jersey Shore, it's that perseverance is key when it comes to getting laid. This episode, Deena didn't even let the buffet of discarded food that Pauly D left on her bed stop her from getting hers. She just moved the dirty plates back into the kitchen, dusted off the crumbs and got down to business. The cast are masters of zen. The booze helps too. The most zen I've ever been was when I was on acid and huffing balloons of nitrous, but even then I'd like to think I would be aware of having sex on public television.

I'd love to interview the camera people who work on this show. I wonder if they get excited anymore when they are responsible for filming a post-bar smoosh? Does it phase them or are they all, "Uh, here we go again... I hope one of these idiots remembers a glass of water and a condom."

"Danny, we are sorry! We love you! Love, Meatballs"

The biggest joke on this show is that the cast has to work at The Shore Store and take it seriously. Last episode, Deena and Snooki just walked out in the middle of work, went to a bar and got wasted. "I honestly forgot we were even at work," said Deena as her and Snooki baked an apology cake for their boss, Danny. If I was on this show, there is no way that I would take working at The Shore Store. What is Danny going to do? Fire someone? No. They are celebrities and a vital component to the show. Who cares if they get fired! It's just not going to happen. The real fools are Pauly D, Mike and Vinny because they actually go to work on time and make fugly, cheap t-shirts with pride. I'd be curious to know what these people all did for work before Jersey Shore came along. Have they ever had real jobs? Something tells me that Snooki and Deena have not (and probably never will) since they thought that the right thing to do after skipping out on work was to bake an apology cake for their boss. Imagine doing that if your boss was Kelly Cutrone? She'd chuck the cake out the window and ban you from Manhattan forever.

I have to hand it to J-Wowww. The girl looks like a Barbie. What kind of Barbie would J-Wowww be? I wish they would make a J-Wowww Barbie. They could have her breasts be dettachable and her waist could be made of a softer, jelly plastic so that you could do a before-and-after thing. It would inform children about cosmetic surgery while also giving them something sexy to play with. Sorry, I'm LOL'ing at myself right now. The only people who would play with a J-Wowww Barbie would be horny men and we all know J-Wowww is too good to even let an action figure version of herself be molested by dorks.

One of my main criticisms of this show is that we don't get to experience how the cast's celebrity has effected their lives. It's as though MTV wants us to pretend that these are still just regular people, when we all know they are not (especially when I see J-Wowww gracing the cover of Maxim when I'm out buying cigarettes). However, in the last two episodes, we have seen a bit. Pauly D had a fan who followed him around to every bar wearing an "I Love Pauly D" hat and starring at him across the room. Of course, Vinny decided to fuck with her instead of realizing she's probably a bit bonkers and just letting her fan from afar. This time, it was J-Wowww who got harassed. While at the club, a young man started cat-calling her, pestering her by chanting "J-Wowww" and begging her not to leave. (Side note: It's clear when fans are interacting with the cast because they do not call the cast by their given names like Jenni, Mike or Nicole, they use the cast's stage names.) Rodger (who I will, from now on, refer to as "Bowser") got involved and the credits rolled.

I feel like every episode I'm just waiting for a fight or a fuck and the dialogue is just white noise in between the action. What do you think? Are y'all still loyal to Jersey Shore or are you with us in hell, waiting for some entertainment?

-Mish Way

Read last week's recap here.

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