February 25, 2012 | By

Shore, Seriously is the column where Jess Bloom and I pull our hair out for MTV's Jersey Shore. We analyze. We criticize. We compromise.

Remember that episode of FRIENDS when they went back in time to show what could have happened? Rachel was rich. Monica was still fat. Ross was still married to a lesbian. Sometimes I wish Jersey Shore wasn't reality television, so we could do this. What if J-Wowww had never had plastic surgery? What if Sam continued dating Mike not Ronnie? What if Nicole and Vinny were a couple?

I wonder if any of the cast's parents read them that Dr. Seuss book, "Oh, The Places You'll Go!" when they were kids? Either way, I'm going to read it for them now (well, just the best parts). I love you, Snooki, Mike, Pauly D, Vinny, J-Woww, Deena, Sam and Ronnie, but how did this all happen?

Today is your day,
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go...

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest...

Except when you don't.

Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you...

I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not.
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

So, be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with you left...

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed!)


So, be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Alenn O'Shea
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So, get on your way!

-Mish Way

Read last week's re-cap here

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