My Blog__ SHORE, SERIOUSLY: SEASON 5, EPISODE 2

January 13, 2012 | By

God, are Jess and I really doing Shore, Seriously again?

On last week's premiere episode, Vinny burst into uncontrollable tears when his family showed up at The Shore for the cast's "Welcome Home" party. He sat on a bench and cried like a prom queen. This week, we find out that Vinny actually suffers from anxiety attacks (or as he referred to it, "Clinical Anxiety Attacks") and being filmed for the fourth year in a row with the same six people on the same hit reality show which relies on the same formula of booze, brawls, bitch outs and bawling, he has gone off the deep end.

While a part of me has empathy for Vinny, another (much larger) part of me wants to tell him to grow up and take care of himself. You would think that if you have suffered from severe anxiety attacks since the age of sixteen your family and doctors would advise against the career path of a "reality star". You would also think that any sane person would say "no", but truth is, most of us would rather be famous than happy so, you know, enter Vinny. It's interesting because Jersey Shore is the only reality show that has had two consecutive years of filming non-stop footage with the same, exact house mates. As Jess pointed out to me, even Real House Wives have down time and switch characters, The Real World is constantly in flux year to year and A.N.T.M. always has a new slew of wanna-be's, however Jersey Shore does not change. If you can't take the insanity, get out of the mental hospital. Spoiler Alert: He did.

One person I actually worry about is Snooki and her increasingly problematic alcoholic tendencies. Not only does this show glorify her problem, but it makes watching drunk people a joke. Jess texted me, "Why are we so entertained by seeing drunk people? It's almost like we're watching people smoke crack and laughing when they scratch welts into their skin." Part of the success of Snooki's onscreen persona is that she is drunk and crazy and she knows that. However, it is also her biggest down fall in her relationships and mental health. It's also the reason we've seen her vagina about a million times.

Speaking of vaginas, Pauly D (despite his facial burn) brought home a girl and had sex with her on a bare mattress. When he told her to leave at 4 am (even though she could not find her shoes), she stuffed his very favorite (and expensive) gold chain down her booty shorts and went home. Serves him right. I think Mike, Vinny, Pauly D and Ronnie should be robbed blind and then aggressively tortured for the way they treat women. Who forces a girl to leave without her shoes at 4 am? A total fucking asshole. I was very excited about her revenge until she showed up the next day looking for her shoes wearing the necklace. She had obviously done a Costanza-stye "leave behind" and it failed her miserably. I wish Judge Judy would spend one day at the house to lecture everyone on their behavior and send them all to court appointed therapy.

And last but not least, we have Deena. Here Deena is getting ready for the club, she's got her exaggerated clown make-up on, her dress tight and low and she has decided to spritz herself with her perfume 41 TIMES. I counted. 41 times. That is insane. Is she carrying around a dead body in her cleavage? Why would she do this? Earlier in the episode we see Deena without any make-up in a white towel dress and she looks beautiful. I wish someone would tell Deena that she can spritz herself with all the perfume in the world, it will not make a difference. She's got to love herself before anyone else is going to.

With Vinny gone perhaps we will see the return of Ryder. Who knows? Apparently next week Mike throws a tantrum because the gang pays more attention to Pauly D on their joint birthday party. You know, shit people in their thirties should be deeply concerned about.

Read Jess's recap of last week here.

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