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Welcome to The Shore, Seriously. A new beat in our magazine where Jess Bloom and I will discuss the events of our favorite reality show, The Jersey Shore. Although this re-capping of so-called "trash television" is nothing new, we vow to bring a sharp, feminist edge to our analysis instead of just commenting on Ronnie's repulsive toe-like face (though we will still comment on Ronnie's toe-like face. Hey Ron, you got a toe face.) The premiere episode of season three brought us three things we love: drama, drinking and Dina - the latest meatball a top the Jersey Shore pasta.


This season, the cast (minus Angelina a.k.a The Staten Island Dump) are back in their comfort zone, The Shore. Like Vinny states at the beginning of the episode, "The Shore is in my blood. Just like a monkey has to go the jungle, I have to go to The Shore." Another thing in his blood is alcohol and after the first episode of Season Three, I am convinced that nothing would ever be said, screamed or confronted between these eight guidos without the power of booze.

Things were left a little tense after Season Two, Miami. J-Woww and Snooki had officially ended their friendship with Sammi. Vinny dogged Snooki by smooshing Angelina and this left some unfinished feelings for Snooki. Ronnie and Sammi got back together (despite his drunken motor-boating with cocktail waitresses) which simultaneously bonded them against the rest of the "family". Miami left everyone cranky, annoyed and "over it".

One thing I have noticed about the Jersey Shore cast is the sheer immaturity of everyone when it comes to confrontation. Watching this group of people try to problem solve, confront one another with household issues or simply talk on a friend-to-friend level about grievances holds the same maturity as the act of note passing in grade school. This is why the "family" needs the power of alcohol to gain the false confidence to air their dirty laundry. Take for example the fact that Sammi and Ronnie took a three bed room for themselves instead of taking the two bed room upon arrival to the house in their BMW. (By the by, did anyone else notice that they all have BMWs now?) Everyone complained and made blatantly passive-aggressive remarks but not one person just said, "Hey guys, do you mind switching rooms? Logistically speaking, it makes way more sense for you guys to have your own private two bed room." Instead, The Situation begrudgingly dragged his suitcase up to bunk with Ron and Sammi. The Situation is, like, 38-years-old and he can't bring this up? He'd rather be miserable all summer? Even Dina, the latest edition to the house, admitted to Snooki that she took a couple shots before the ride to The Shore because she was nervous. Alcohol is the spine of this family.

Oh, the drama. We knew they had to start Season Three off with a bang since Season Two was lacking (except for a few choice moments). Most of the drama from Season Two was Sam and Ron related and that is not entertainment. Anyone who has been in a self-destructive, unhealthy relationship lacking confidence doesn't need to see that painful memory poorly acted out as a dramatization by two imbeciles. Snooze. So, to kick start the roller coaster, Snooki brought along Dina -  a short, tanned, bubbly drunk or "meatball".

Dina is the ultimate DTF girl.

As Jess said in our Season Two wrap-up:

"I love a solid DTF girl. They keep taking shots with you after the rest of your crew has switched to water and you don’t have to wait for them when you want to leave the bar. They also usually have a good story the next morning that involves sizes, shapes and an unusual sound or two. Maybe that’s the DTF girl’s last laugh."

Dina showed up at the house (drunk), talked about vibrators, declared that she is a "walking holiday" or a "blast in a glass" and then proceeded to get loser drunk and show The Situation her "coocha". (I have to admit here that I was so impressed by The Situation. He did not make fun of Dina, in fact, he played it off to Pauly D and J-Wow like Dina showed her vagina by accident, when clearly it was not an accident. Is The Situation turning into a gentleman?)

Dina tried to befriend Sam while the family was having a BBQ, but Sam snubbed her. So, Dina followed the lead of her peers by throwing out passive-aggressive remarks at dinner. Vinny mentioned that the way you treat other people in this house is the way you will be treated. Dina then glared at Sam and said, "Yeah, like, if you can't take the heat get the fuck out of the kitchen." Sam walked out of the kitchen.

A few hours later, we find our beloved guidos drunk on the roof and in the hot tub. The passive-aggressive rules are suddenly thrown out the window once everyone is six shots deep (everyone except Ron and Sam who laid in their separate beds, under the covers, fully clothed, listening attentively to the party go on without them.) Fueled by the magical confidence of alcohol, Snooki confronted Vinny about sleeping with her friend Ryder during the off-season and then, she tried to make-out with him. Vinny denied her realizing that Snooki's feeling were perhaps more than just sexual. Dina tried to "snuggle" with The Situation (who pulled the "eject" button because he was still sober enough to see straight) and then, came the big fight finale we'd all been waiting for.

Dina called Sammi a "cunt" (in a bag) for laughing at her when she tried to get "The Sitch" to snuggle. The word "cunt" ignited a second wind of steroid power from Ronnie. Jumping to his girlfriends defense, Ron ran after Dina and told her to fight her own battles (even though he was fighting Sammi's battle with Dina for her). Sammi finally stepped in (fixing her hair between every sentence) but didn't have any great comebacks, especially when Dina told her to "get real". Then, the true feeling of Sam, Snooki, Dina and J-Wow came flying out. Once again making alcohol the talking stick of the house. Punches were thrown between Sam and J-Wow and audiences were left satisfied by this burly bitch-out.

The fight at the end was the best part of the episode. What is it about a ridiculous screaming match that excites us so badly? Especially when it is between women. Why do we tune in every week to watch these girls doll up, get drunk and explode over petty nothingness? Maybe it's because reality show characters like Sam, Snooki, Dina and J-Wow deeply reflect and reinforce social biases about women. Women are constantly told we must be perfect: plucked, smooth, clean and sexy, but we are also constantly dogged if we are too obviously all these things. As Jessica Valenti writes in her book He's A Stud, She's A Slut, "We're supposed to simultaneously want to be that woman - and want to destroy her. (And maybe hate ourselves for wanting to be her.) It drives the competitive spirit that keeps women buying more surgeries, more everything." Perhaps the same reason we are trained to recycle feelings of envy, hate and desire for a stereotypical beautiful woman is the same reason we crave seeing these women battle: it leaves us feeling a bit better about ourselves. We can live the rage we feel towards women like Sammi (in our own daily lives) through J-Wow's fist or visa versa without having to act out in the seemingly embarrassing ways that they do.

This season has promise if we're talking pure entertainment. So far, it appears that Pauly D is the only one keeping his dignity. We'll see what happens after the gang hits up Karma.

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  1. jess bloom says:

    ha ha ha, karma.

  2. i didn’t want to like this because i hate television, but it was a really good essay, especially the conclusion.

    you girls need a proofreader though…or at least more time…

  3. Mish Mish says:

    hahahahahahaahhahaha thnx bud. i saw my slip ups

  4. gustavo says:

    i’d proofread for ya for free probly

  5. […] here to see what we said about season 3 […]

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