My Blog__ SHORE, SERIOUSLY: SEASON THREE, EPISODE TWO

January 19, 2011 | By

Mish, I'm not trying to start a girl fight with you or anything...but I'm going to have to disagree with you about season three starting off with a bang. Something about the pacing or the editing felt off. Even Deena's cowgirl "cooka" show fell flat. I hope Deena's getting paid a solid salary because at the rate she's flashing her party parts, she could definitely cash in by playing Snooki in a Jersey Shore porno parody. Does a Jersey Shore porno exist yet? It must. Any further information regarding this is welcomed.

So, despite season three's slow start, episode two delivered. Even though Sam and Jenny's fight was broken up, in my opinion, prematurely by two burly security guards, it simultaneously broke and built up their tension. JWoww wasn't even involved in the altercation to begin with, but jumped into action once Ronnie called Snooki, " a loser from Poughkeepsie". I can't even blame JWoww for taking the opportunity to sock it to Sammi. I loathe Sammi. It's from the bottom of my gut and it's more real than my contempt for waking up early or crying children. Both pale in comparison to how much I hate Sammi. In the last Shore, Seriously post, you wrote, "We can live the rage we feel towards women like Sami...through JWoww's fist". That's exactly it. Like a stage mom watching her daughter pirouette perfectly, I find myself living vicariously through JWoww.

Throughout the episode I also found my thoughts coming out through Snooki's mouth. Like the fool in a Shakespeare play, this little drunken guidette keeps telling the truth when no one else does. She doesn't even hate Sammi the way JWoww and I do. She still wants to work it out and be friends. This left me wondering, why is it that I hate Sammi so much? MTV is pitching the storyline as, "Sammi is the new Angelina" but I don't think she is. I never really hated Angelina. Annoyed, sure, but I didn't hate her. Interestingly, Angelina was awful because of what she did to other people and Sammi is awful because of what she is doing to herself.

Moving on from the co-douchebaggery that is Ronnie and Sam, the troops suit up for a night out at Karma. I couldn't help but notice that Vinnie's becoming more and more of an asshole. He waxes poetic about fake boobs and then asks Deena, "What were you shaving? Your fake ass?". That doesn't even make sense, Vinnie. If you're going to break women down piece by piece like a slaughtered cow, at least have some coherence. This creepy girl stalks him for awhile at the club but that only highlights why it is that there aren't more girls stalking him. By this season of Jersey Shore, the cast are full-out celebrities but the show is going the way of The Hills by pretending that nothing's changed. The fact that they have to "work" at the t-shirt store is a fucking joke but at least The Situation realizes this and fills up on some bagel while he's on the clock.

Speaking of Mike "Goatee Head" Sorrentino, shit's just getting sad. Find a girl, get wifed up and grill her up some steaks for dinner. Rock, paper, scissoring for a girl? When the girl said, "Whatever you want to do," she was obviously looking bleary-eyed at Vinnie. When Vinnie refers to his DTF search as a "hog hunt", I had a vision of Vinnie in a few years time washed up with bloodshot eyes from all the coke he's been railing off herped buttholes. Ladies, if you're DTF, go for the men who aren't wearing sunglasses at 2am.

Towards the end of the episode, Sam comments that, "this is becoming just like Miami" because Ron keeps dropping f-bombs all over her pouting face. I don't condone the way Ronnie speaks to Sam and I'm no Dr. Phil, but I'm going to put it out there that they have some communication problems. She's isolating them from the rest of the cast and he's swallowing his anger only to burp it up in passive aggressive phrases like, "I needed that". Why did he go along with missing the sacred Sunday night dinner? He should have said something sooner but instead it festers like an infected wound.

In the previews for next week's episode it looks like Sammi finally gets over herself and talks to Snooki about what happened in Miami. If Sam can stop rolling her eyes at the camera for the two minutes it takes to apologize, I'll try to work through my anger for her because, like Snooki said, "If she grew balls and she said, listen, I treated you guys like shit, I know that, but I love this guy..." she could be forgiven. Maybe in the proverbial girl code, there's a love clause. I feel sympathetic to any girl who finds herself buried in a shit hole because she thought she was in love and forgot about her own friends and her own life. Maybe me and Snooks are just big ol' lushy softies. I suppose next week will tell.

Read last week's recap here.

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