My Blog__ What the Bachelorette: Episode 1

May 15, 2012 | By

Can you smell the desperation and the cologne in the air? It's Bachelorette time.

by: Jess Bloom

This has been a great year for female-driven television. Smart, funny and talented women are ripping it up on-screen and in writing rooms. They're making opportunities for themselves and leaving the door wide open behind them for other chicks. Flip through the channels on any given day and you'll see Lena Dunham, Tina Fey, Julia Louis-Dreyfus or Zooey Deschanel redefining roles for women.

You'll also see Emily Maynard aka The Bachelorette.

She's not redefining anything even though Chris Hansen, our esteemed host, gets pretty jacked about her being the first single mother. If you thought all single moms were strippers or immigrants...you're wrong! Sometimes they are white, rich and pretty!

This show is fucking awful. But, it's, like, also awesome. You have to approach it like science fiction. Or anthropological footage of a long lost tribe who subsist on hair gel, sunless tanner and creatine powder. The only difference between the cast of The Bachelorette and Jersey Shore seems more empty promises and less drinking.

These people are drips. The first episode of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette is special to me because I love the emphasis on each contestant's bullshit job title. They're all actors or models with an inflated side gig. My favourite jobs from this season include "Luxury Brand Consultant" (aka some dude who thinks he's Chuck Bass), "Data Destruction Specialist" ("his friends call him 'Wolf'") and, of course, "Party M.C."

Unfortunately, the marine biologist named Jean-Paul wasn't hot so he got cut. Other guys who didn't make the first elimination round were a mishmash of consultants, managers and salesmen. I don't know what to expect from Emily in the future but it's important to note that she had the wherewithal to get rid of that 33-year-old dude who's a singer/songwriter in New York City and fitness model, Jackson. Both, equally, dredges upon society.

Among the eliminated was Lerone Anu, the only man of colour representing. In case you guys didn't notice, The Bachelorette is white. Not like Jewish-white or Italian-white--just white-white. I assume that Lerone was cast in response to this discrimination lawsuit. He had no airtime before being shucked off and neither did the 2 Hispanic guys. The best course of action for our Spanish-speaking bachelors is to play up the exotic vibe and hope Emily pulls a season 6, Ali. They obviously know this because they were working the language angle almost as hard as guys working the single dad angle.

My current forerunners: Jef-with-one-f (so Marty McFly) & the high school teacher with hip glasses (who spells his name, Aaron, correctly)

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