My Blog__ What the Bachelorette: Episode 2

May 22, 2012 | By

Turn up the boring. It's time for the Emily Maynard Show aka The Bachelorette.

by: Jess Bloom

Not only is this show terrible but it's long as hell. After checking the time for the third time during this week's episode of The Bachelorette I had a rush of regret for ever entering this crazy recap game. Watching this show is like doing penance for every mean-spirited thing I've ever said or done. My only excuse for this self-destructive waste of time is that I get my nails done.

Speaking of doing penance, I didn't realize until this episode how super Christian the whole thing is. Has this always been the case? I'm relatively new to the Bachelor/Bachelorette scene so forgive my naivety. I thought all reality TV ended in a drunken slutty mess. Instead, our protagonist is a sickeningly sweet Southern girl with a perfect daughter who talks ambiguously about her "faith" a lot. If it wasn't for her boyfriend's sudden and tragic demise, she'd be married and housewifed.

I know that reality TV isn't "real-real" but I'm interested in the parts where realness leaks through. That's what I love about Jersey Shore. No matter what the producers try to rig up, the cast exposes themselves in some unpredictable way. Conversely, nothing about The Bachelorette is real. On her date with Ryan, the 31-year-old "Pro Sports Trainer" from Georgia, she makes a big deal of attacking him with realness by getting him to help her make cookies. So edgy, Emily. Your life is so hard.

If I was a single mother, I'd puke in my mouth. My mom had a husband and a nanny and she still never had time to bake cookies from scratch for soccer practise. It's probably easier for Emily because she clearly doesn't work. That's the part they're leaving out again and again. She's living off that plane crash money. That's pretty much the only way you can own a house with matching furniture at the age of twenty-six.

They're also leaving out the part where she clearly wants to be famous. Sure, she's not the loud, brassy personality usually associated with reality TV but don't forget that Emily's been on 2 full seasons now. Other clues include her massive collection of make-up brushes in her bathroom and her abs, which were on full display during her date this episode with Joe. No one gets abs like that from not having hobbies because she's so busy catering to her daughter's hobbies, as she tells Sean at the rose ceremony cocktail party (I think?!? Sean? Whatever).

It's worth nothing that so far, 90% of Emily's dresses have been close to her skin shade. It's a remarkably classy yet slutty move that gives me hope for our protagonist. Come on, Em. Turn up the slutty. Turn down the boring. There are so many hit-it-then-quit-it dudes left on the show that I'm hoping she'll take advantage. No one in their right mind would want to spend their life with Kalon, aka bootleg Chuck Bass, but girlfriend can still test the waters.

Current forerunners: Still Jef-with-one-f! However, I'm getting a gay vibe which would make sense because I like him so much. I also like Sean, who had no dates this week but was killing it in the talking head interviews. Doug isn't bad either. He's the least annoying single dad.

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