My Blog__ What the Bachelorette: Episode 3

May 29, 2012 | By

Emily and Dolly are the best match yet on The Bachelorette. Too bad Dolly's taken.

by: Jess Bloom

Every time I see contestants on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette bungee jump or repel up walls, I am eternally grateful that I landed myself in a tops relationship without metaphoric daredevil stunts. In this episode, Emily makes Chris climb for his dinner and the only thing giving him pause is the sight of his date in a harness. The S&M crowd reveal themselves eventually. When they reached the top of the building, he stops short of slapping her across the face and turns it into a high-five. Very smooth, Chris. You don't know if she's the kind of girl who's into that yet.

Later on that evening, while dancing to some country music, Chris asks Emily if he can kiss her at the end of the song. My first thought was, "What a pussbag move."  I later reflected on his pussbag approach to first base and decided that he rightfully needed her permission before sealing the deal in front of an audience. The only thing worse than being asked for a kiss is being kiss-attacked by some douchebag surrounded by paparazzi.

Arie's date with Emily was significantly better because it involved a private plane to Tennessee. The carbon footprint on this show is fucking huge. Regardless, I was very proud of our bachelorette for dragging her date to Dollywood. The gay man inside me did backflips. Arie was also adorable about the whole thing and seems to be falling for Emily despite being one of the most producer-guided cast members (second only to evil villain Kalon).

The group date was a total yawn. The guys were grilled by her friends about various subjects like how they are with kids, if they're ready to be a father and if they want more kids. Get it, dudes? Emily wants you to like her kid and want more kids and be totally into everything about kids ever. Tony likes kids so much he has to go home because he misses his son too much. Congratulations, Tony. You look like Michael Scott and your son is going to watch this footage and think you're a knob.

At the elimination cocktail party, that weird guy's egg is finally smashed but he'll never be able to pick up the pieces of his failed first impression. We also see a tender moment between Arie and Emily and a condescending moment between Kalon and Emily.

Stevie the Party MC was denied a rose. Shocker. He should have looked around the room at all the beefcakes and realized that he was better off seducing bar mitzvah moms and self-destructive sweet 16-ers.

The highlight of this entire episode was Alessandro. He's so crazy! It was only after the rose ceremony, when the credits were rolling, that we got to see Alessandro's interview with Emily's friends. The fact that this clip didn't make it into the episode epitomizes The Bachelorette's shortcomings.

Only at the very end do we find out that this guy talked about dating his cousin in Brazil and calls himself a gypsy! On her blog, Emily wrote that there was even more to Alessandro. "What you all didn't get to see is that he thinks of himself as a 'Vampire Detector' and let me know that not only was there a vampire in the house, but he also had me join him in the woods, which explains my combat boots as I was walking him out." What the fuck, producers. How do you suck so badly at making reality TV?

Current forerunners: Arie killed it this episode and so did Sean, the Aryan Heartthrob. Sure, Sean's a raging Christian but I'm not the one who has to date him. I'm still kind of obsessed with Jef-with-one-f but I think it has to do with some deep-seated issues surrounding Marty McFly.

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