My Blog__ What the Bachelorette: Episode 4

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"Just when you thought this shit could not get any whiter, they go sailing in Bermuda." -@Mattlundy33

by: Jess Bloom

Following a strict blue and beige dress code, The Bachelorette invades Bermuda for a three-date tour de force. Wouldn't it be amazing if the show was sponsored by a sunscreen company? What a missed opportunity for Coppertone. In between shots of Emily and Doug shopping for tourist trash, they could have shared a tender moment applying SPF 50 to each other's necks. This show is so cock and Caucasian heavy it is hilarious. Is it racist? Grantland's Andrew Ti writes in his column, "Yo, Is This Racist?": "Yes. Not significantly more than any other dating reality show, but yes."

Alejandro, the mushroom farmer, currently holds the torch for most ethnic person on The Bachelorette. His screen time has been exceptionally minimal and we have yet to hear about his fungus. Portobello or psilocybin, I'm dying to know. In my wildest dreams, Alejandro makes shroom tea for Emily on a date and does impressions of all the other guys and they laugh and fall in love and get married and she moves to Colombia with her daughter. The more likely situation is that Alejandro has to go on an awkward two-on-one date and goes home to his portobellos.

That twofer date with John aka "Wolf" and Nate was the worst! They jumped off cliffs and ate in a literal cave of silence. Nate went home because he cried about loving his brother and pronounced quinoa phonetically. Dear men of the world: There is zero excuse to cry on a first date. I don't care if you just got diagnosed with testicular cancer and then got kicked in the testicles. Keep that shit on lock.

The sailing group date was super boring to watch but I'm happy to see that Ryan has stepped up to the villain plate. Kalon, former villain, faded into the background this episode leaving a precious vacuum to be filled. You see, Kalon's villaintry comes from a thick layer of pretension covering run-of-the-mill momma's boy insecurities. Ryan's villaintry stems from extraordinary narcissism and delusions of grandeur. When he labels Emily as a trophy wife, tells her to go to the gym and calls her a slut for kissing Arie, my heart skips a beat. He's here, my heart says. The token douchebag has arrived. A quick skim of his Twitter account reveals even more treasures.

Not only does he "lv Jesus" but he compares himself to big J when he tweets, "To be expected because they hated Him first." Sean's Twitter bio ends with "Most importantly, I love Jesus!" How religious is Emily? Is this what she wants? J-droppers? More importantly, Arie: Jew or not Jew? I googled it but couldn't find an answer. I guess the "Arie's a Jew/Not a Jew" Tumblr hasn't been made yet.

Arie stirred up a bit of boy drama this episode with Doug. He teased Doug to the brink of a fight that never went down because Emily walked through the door. I have a soft spot for instigators and added a point next to Arie on the scoreboard in my mind. Too bad he lost 100 points for those slurp-kisses. Doug also had a confrontation with Chris but who cares because Chris sucks. He's got a mild case of Kermit-voice and likely failed one grade.

Charlie (head trauma guy) and Michael (ponytail guy) go home. Nobody is surprised. Nobody cares. Previews for next week show Jef-with-one-f laying the mack down on Emily which is way more exciting. We all love Jef don't we? Don't we??

Current forerunners: JEF-WITH-ONE-F I LOVE YOU. However, Doug will probably win because his Big Poppa act seems to be working on Emily.

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