June 30, 2009 | By

The Observer recently published an article about Hollywood's new face: The Baby Man. The author, Irina Aleksander, explained how the transformation within Hollywood has created a new beauty standard in which men are no longer men (rugged, chiseled and raw) but man-boys (soft, jarring and smooth). Aleksander says that male sex appeal has flipped on it's head and we can just go ahead and blame the whole thing on that Twilight guy, oh right, and feminism. Yeah you heard me, feminists and all their crazy theories have created an insane gender-bending new world where men look like girls and girls still want to fuck them. Society is crumbling. Someone please call God and let's just plague this problem out the way.


Revolution Baby Man Style Now! Androgyny! Androgyny! Dudes who look like fags are my bread and butter. You want to know why?

1. Sharing Clothes - You date a Baby-Man you double your wardrobe. Jerry Seinfeld once said this was the best thing about lesbianism, but for those of us who "love the cock", I suggest Baby Men. Because Baby Men are ridiculously beautiful, they are often models or actors which means they usually have some interesting clothing items due to their involvement in these fields. Androgyny feels good and it looks even better, especially in the perfect pair of Dior jeans.

2. Exercising the Mother Instinct - One of the key features of Baby Men are big eyes. According to Dr. Lee of Columbia University, “Large eyes, for example, are a ‘neotenous’ cue, one people associate with babies and that elicits female nurturance." You ever seen a puppy? Of course you have! It is the cutest fucking thing in the world. Baby Men are like puppies, big-eyed and cute as buttons. Being around Baby Men gives us women the opportunity to embrace our mother instincts as we craddle our drunken Baby Men down from their bang-overs or drug binges. I tell you, you don't know the meaning of life until you've held a post-bender Baby Man in your arms. That shit will change your world.

3. No Tough Guy Complex- Baby Men don't have tough guy complexes because they have never been tough guys. They simply weren't allowed. However, girls love Baby Men for their ravishing Jolie lips and swooping hair so instead of wishing for a Neander-jaw, Baby Men embraced their natural beauty and used it to get them closer to the opposite sex. Growing up as beautiful Baby Boys these types were often dressed up in blouses and pearls by their sisters or forced to play "Man-gina" during innocent games of Doctor. Girls went wild for this! The article points out that boy-men are less threatening then men-men and that is why these types have taken over. Yes, duh because its hard to be threatened by a dude so soft you could rape him with a feather. However, The New York Observer doesn't think this role reversal is such a hot idea because scary is sexy and girly-man are wrong. Thanks a lot feminism.

4. Biological Revolution - The simple biology of Baby Men is breaking down the barriers between men and women's physicality. They're an evolution packed in a revolution! Androgyny is the future man. Remember that Paul Westerberg hit, Androgynous? Well, he predicted this metamorphosis. "Same hair, revolution/ Same build, evolution/ Tomorrow who's gonna fuss/ And they love each other so/ Androgynous..." Yeah Westerberg, yeah. All these retired secretaries bitching about how the new Hollywood is so NOT Clint Eastwood. "They look like a bunch of little girls!" These are the same women who are rallying for Pro Life and don't believe in recycling. Hags. Baby Men may be soft, doe-eyed and thin but the only people who give a shit about this are prudes who will be belly-up in a few years anyways. Next.

5. Endless Entertainment - With those big eyes, pinched nose and endless lashes Baby Men make a great canvas for make-up experimentation. Since they are a bit vain from being praised for being gorgeous their whole lives, they usually are pretty cool about getting dolled up in mascara. Some of them even do it voluntarily. You ever seen that drummer from The Green Hour Band? Prime example.

Now, for some real baby-men, go here.

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