My Blog__ Real Serious: The Real World 26, Episode 1

September 30, 2011 | By

Yeah, I'm serious about Jersey Shore but I'm serious about another MTV classic, The Real World. This season, the show is revisiting San Diego for its 26 season. 26! And I've seen most of them! Remember Denver? And Austin? And crazy Key West? Those were good times. There were lows too. Namely Hollywood and Brooklyn. Which one will this year's San Diego be? I'm not sure yet if I'm going to write a weekly update but for now, here's Real Serious: The First Impressions.

I don't want to brag or anything, but I'm basically a Real World expert. I've seen seasons you haven't even heard of. I watch The Challenge (in which former Real World cast members perform daring and athletic stunts for cash prizes) and I have spent several insomniac bouts scrolling through their twitter accounts. One time I think I saw Evan at a gym in Liberty Village in Toronto!

Enough about me and my reality TV resume, I'd like to talk about this season's cast members. Just like every reality show ever, they squeal about the house and parade around their big narcissistic personalities. Most season of The Real World tend to have a theme and as soon as Zach meets Sam, it's clear that season 26 is one of homos and homophobia.

At this juncture, I'd like to introduce the cast members with my first impressions. It will be interesting to look back at the end of the season to see how things have changed, or not changed. Who do you like? Who do you hate! In real life I'm trying to curb my "judgmental streak" and so I look to outlets such as Shore, Seriously and Real Serious to get my fixings. First up is...Alex!

Alexandra Govere is too sweet for this show. Almost every season they cast someone with a boyfriend or girlfriend hoping for a break-up meltdown and sweet Alex, this time it's you. She says Byron (not the poet) is her soulmate and she's not going to cheat on him. Usually I'd be making a construction paper countdown chain, but this time I believe her. The combination of her "too normal for The Real World" vibe and the lack of options in the house will probably make this obvious producer-driven storyline a bust.

Frank Sweeney is doing a great job of being the token trainwreck. He's confrontational, irrational and gets the crazy eyes when he's had too much to drink. Everyone cares about him being gay but not me. After spending my formative years at an arts high school, I have grown severely bored of guessing people's sexual orientations. You know what I do care about? People calling someone a "faggot" with malice. When someone called Frank a faggot in the club, he flipped his shit and I support this shit flipping. Sam was very passive about the name-calling but let's play the game where we change it to the n-word (I can't write that because I'm white but I can say faggot, trust). The bottle service vulture was so out of line and deserved a Frank Freakout. My prediction? There will be many more FFs, deserved and undeserved. Get your crazy on, Frank. I'm not here for social niceties.

Nate Stodghill is an unsavory character. When he learns that Frank is bisexual he gives the old "it sickens me but I won't judge you" answer. When he sees Zach's hulking frame enter the house, he's bummed because he won't be the alpha male anymore. He tells Priscilla that he thinks Ashley is hot and then, moments later, kiss-rapes Priscilla. I feel like Nate is the guy they were trying to cast when they cast Knight for The Real World: New Orleans two seasons ago but then Knight ended up being way decent so they gave it another shot with Nate. Remember when I said that I went to an arts high school? Well because of this alternative education, I've rarely come into contact with guys like Nate aka WMDs (white male douchebags). I hope this guy gets a clue.

Priscilla Mendez is like a Mexican Gilmore Girl. Her grandparents are rich, her mother got pregnant as a teenager and it has resulted in a quirky mother-daughter friendship. I fear that my analogy has revealed too much about my Gilmore Girls knowledge. Anyway, Priscilla is one of my favourite types of reality show girls and I am rooting for her. She's got a ditsy vibe and she got naked in the first episode. Nate, who among other things (see above) is an IQ snob, says that she is "not exactly a deep thinker" but anyone who talks about doing it on their grandma's couch is ok in my books.

Sam McGinn has obviously not hit her stride. Frank and Nate thought that she was pushing her gayness too much but from the footage I saw, she was mostly just open about it. She also got a chick (Priscilla) naked with her in the shower on the first episode so what's up now, boys? I suspect in future episodes she's going to recruit some straight chicks. I hope that Sam will represent gender identification better than Kaitlyn from the Brooklyn season. One person shouldn't represent a whole community, but this is definitely the case. For viewers who don't know anyone from the LGBT crew, people like Kaitlyn and Sam are figureheads. Kaitlyn was an annoying person in general and I think she should apologize to transgendered people everywhere. Pass your torch to Sam. Sam, don't fuck this up.

Ashley Kelsey is a snooze. She will have a love story with Zach and it will be Melinda & Danny from the Austin season all over again. Ashley is also a model and she plugged her career right off the bat. Good career move, Ash. May you enjoy many years hosting parties at university campus bars (this is what all reality people do post-show).

Zach Nichols looks like Tim Riggins in Friday Night Lights (ok not in that picture but he does!). Unfortunately, Zach doesn't have the moody alcoholic charm of my favourite fictional Texan football player. Instead, Zach has no charm. He's another snoozer. Sorry to end this post on such a low point. Blame Zach.

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