My Blog__ THINGS (ON THE INTERNET) THAT ARE MAKING ME HAPPY PART 2

April 29, 2012 | By

Back in September, I was using the internet heavily. Nothing has changed. I always say that the internet is one of my top favorite places to vacation. So, to continue on with that post from September last year, here it goes. "Things On The Internet That Are Making Me Happy Part 2".

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF VANCOUVER EAT TIT SOUP

I have wasted a few hours of my life watching Real Housewives of Vancouver. I'm a big fan of Real Housewives of Atlanta (and by "big fan" I mean, I like the one with the wig who gets drunk all the time.) When I'm watching T.V. with my critical-feminist-thinking-hat on, the whole Real Housewives phenomenon bums me out because all it does is reduce the female participants is caddy, uninventive, useless piles of skin who contribute nothing but booze breath to the world. Then again, when I'm hung over and eating home fries off a piece of newspaper, this show acts as the perfect thing for me to scream at. Why do I need to watch these ladies eat lunch at the Cactus Club when I could just go to Yaletown and watch them first hand? Seriously, Cactus Club? The top dish there is, like, tit soup. I thought these "housewives" were boring, but after reading this blog post that Christina "The Gold Digger" wrote about her participation in the show, I think she is onto something.

MEGAN FOX IS ABOUT TO GET FAT

The only girl I've ever know who likes Megan Fox as much as I do is Kelly McClure and I'm pretty sure Kelly's thing with Megan is purely sexual. In fact, I know it is because she wrote about Megan's looks in her now debunked column "Kelly's Krush Korner". I've liked Megan Fox ever since she bent over a motorcycle in Transformers and then started talking about her sex life with Brian Green in every interview she did. She's got this whole Slut-Without-A-Cause thing going on and it works. Recently, it has been rumored that Megan is pregnant. Baby bump with Brian Green's troll face! Think about it this way, if Megan talks openly about hand jobs, what the hell is she going to say about her pregnancy? "Well, sex is harder because I'm worried Brian might poke the baby's eye out with his dick or if the fetus is a boy, maybe his dick will touch the baby's dick?" I wish. I wouldn't expect any less from Megan because she is the G.G. Allin of girl talk.

"NEW GIRL" THEME SONG

I don't believe in "guilty pleasure" television or music. When I like something, I like it. No shame. That being said, I like Zooey Deschanel's sitcom, "New Girl". I love that show. I come from the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. Generation. I can't help but fall for quirky, sexually charged shows about four single, Los Angeles natives living happily in a loft. As much as I like snuggling up to my Mac Book for a Putlocker session of "New Girl", it's the theme song I'm really after. Sometimes (and when I say "sometimes" I mean every single morning) when I walk to work, I sing it in my head and replace "Jess" with "Mish". I may or may not have done this pose while humming my own name.

GENEROUS VS. ATTRACTIVE OR EVERYONE CAN BE A LEGIT WHORE

It feels like one morning I woke up and the rest of the world was participating in weird pay-for-dates sites like "What's Your Price". Have you seen this? Basically, this is a site where you can bid on dates with people in your region. Not only is it a way for people to meet their life mate but they can make a little extra dough doing it! Cute bombs! When you sign up for the site, you must classify yourself as a "generous user" or an "attractive user". Generous Users bid on dates while Attractive Users says how much a date with them is worth. Surprise! Generous Users are almost all men while Attractive Users are almost all women. The CEO of WhatsYourPrice.com was aware that people might think this is a little close to prostiution, so he had a disclaimer:

"When capitalism is mixed in with dating, all of a sudden people start concluding “it must be prostitution”. But does paying money for a cup of coffee every morning mean Starbucks is engaging in prostitution? Does paying for gas every time you fill up at the gas station mean that Mobil or BP is pimping? Does donating money to the Church every Sunday morning equate religion to prostitution? Obviously NOT, and obviously buying a First Date isn’t either."

This site is weird and fucked up and wrong in a lot of ways. On the other hand, if I knew this was what the adult dating world would reduce itself to in 2012, I would have started charging for hand jobs in high school, at least I'd have RRSP's by now.

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