HEARTY MAGAZINE'S YEAR IN REVIEW IN A-Z FORM

By: Mish Way and Yasi Salek

It’s that time of year again! We eat a lot of crappy, rich, salty food, drink rich wine and hang out with our relatives we have nothing in common with. After that, as we all get ready to bring in the new year with a party dress and purse full of happy time pills, we take a minute to reflect on all the things that happened this year. The things that made headlines and, then, made our heads spin. To round-out 2012, we had Cultist Zine founder and all-around amazing Los Angeles woman Yasi Salek and our writer Mish Way team up to dish out on this year’s big events. A is for ATL Twins These dudes are pretty much the weirdest people we have ever encountered, so it makes perfect sense that Harmony Korine found them and put them in his new movie Spring Breakers. The Atlanta-based, Chattanooga-bred twins are like some skater-wigger-alien hybrid who have slept in the same bed their whole lives (they are TWENTY FIVE) and share everything, from tattoos (they have the exact same ones) to women (they were engaged to the same girl for four years). Oh also their names are Sydney and Thurman (no for real) and they’re pals with Riff Raff because OF COURSE THEY ARE. B is for Bath Salts Just when you thought all the drugs had already been invented (by the government, if you’re into that sort of conspiracy theory shit), along come bath salts, some crazy synthetic drug that’s basically like coke if coke caused a lot of paranoia, hallucinations, brain damage, and the off-chance that you might strip off all your clothes and start eating someone’s face. On the plus side, it’s legal. On the negative side, face eating is frowned upon. Your call, really. C is for Call Me Maybe and Carly Rae Jepsen While the honors of biggest song of 2012 undoubtedly go to “Gangam Style” by PSY (and yes, we will admit that even we like that “Heyyyy sexy lady” bit), the biggest song in our HEARTS was undoubtedly “Call Me Maybe.” Say what you will about Carly Rae Jepsen (an example might be: WTF how is she 27?) but that song is pure pop magic. People who say they hate this song are the same kind of people who LOVE Animal Collective and NEVER watch TV, and they can all S our D. Click here to see what else made our A-Z of 2012 list. D is for Dominants and Submissives, and How Much 50 Shades Of Grey Sucks First of all a giant THANK YOU to EL James for finally writing a book that delved into the topic of S&M, because there haven’t been other books (good, well-written books) about the subject (like the Marquise De Sade or Venus In Furs). The world definitely needed Twilight fan fiction turned allegedly subversive romance novel as the world’s introduction to S&M culture (in a world where if you let a dude do something “bad” he will love you and become your boyfriend), and we definitely needed to hear our aunts and grandmothers talking about anal beads. THANK. YOU. E is for Elle Fanning It’s like we’re finally kind of used to designers being obsessed with completely unrealistic praying-mantis-bodies, when the fashion world decides that now they are obsessed with Elle Fanning, the doughy-skinned starlet who was in every magazine and on every red carpet in some crazy Rodarte or Prada get up being all doll-like and creepy and FOURTEEN FUCKING YEARS OLD. It should be noted that Yasi is writing this and if it sounds crazy and meandering it’s because Elle Fanning haunts my nightmares and I am pretty sure she has no bones in her face, thank you for listening good-bye. F is for Frank Ocean We’re not ashamed to admit that we cried buckets after reading Frank Ocean’s candid Tumblr letter detailing the first time he fell in love with a man, effectively coming out to the world as a gay (or bisexual) dude. Coming out (for lack of a better term) is never easy, but when you’re a break-out R&B sensation affiliated with a super controversial hip-hop group well-known for lyrics about necrophilia and rape, not to mention generous use of the word f*ggot, it’s tear-inducing in its bravery. Click here to see what else made our A-Z of 2012 list. G is for Grimes This G should actually read Gigantic-Girl-crush-on-Grimes, because that is what we (and about one billion other people) have on Claire Boucher, the enigmatic unintentionally adorable electro-pop princess of 2012. She’s been putting out music since 2010, but it was her third album Visions that made the entire world stand up (and in our case, do a tripped-out happy dance) and pay attention. And not only does the creative Canadian make magical music, direct her own videos, and hand-draw her album art, she also has a uniquely covetable sense of style and a ridiculously cute lisp that basically make us want to murder her in her sleep so we can walk around 2013 in her skin. Or something. H is for Honey Boo Boo Child Of course we all remember when Honey Boo Boo Child’s older teen sister had a child with two thumbs and that Mama June had to clean the gunk out from between the rolls in her neck fat, but why was Honey Boo Boo such an explosive reality show? Maybe it’s because onlookers felt it was fucked up to laugh with these hicks that actually were super self-aware? Maybe it’s because it made us wonder how a seemingly off kilter 5-year-old understood her position in popular culture more than so than us viewers did? “It’s okay to laugh.” I is for Instagram In keeping with the on-going trend of deliberately murdering the English language (omg u guise its just 4 LOLZ!), Instagram has ousted Twitter as 2013’s social media of choice. Why use words when you can share pretty pictures of your lunch and your dog and Jimmy passed out with a Tampon shoved up his nose? (Okay fine the pic of Jimmy WAS hilarious). Oh yeah and Facebook buying the company for $1 billion was KIND OF a big deal too, although now we have to listen to idiots bitch about the privacy of their personal photos, as if privacy is anyone’s main concern when posting a selfie to Instagram via Twitter while concurrently uploading it to Facebook and email blasting it to everyone they have ever met in their entire lives. Click here to see what else made our A-Z of 2012 list. J is for JUST SHUT UP WE HAVE NO J You try doing this, guy. K is for Kimye Not since Mary and Joseph has there been a union so utterly and beautifully perfect as Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. We’re most confused as to how they haven’t always been together, or how they are even actually separate people, since aside from a giant butt and a lot of hair extensions (her) and a giant jaw and a lot of talent (him) they are pretty much the exact same person, both kept alive by the warm glow of fame at any cost. If they ever break up the world should just end because nothing will ever make sense again. L is for Lena Dunham and GIRLS Girls has gotten a lot of flack for its lack of diversity and general “rich white girl problems” but we love the show and we love Lena Dunham for depicting the inner-life of young women struggling to figure out life and love and sex and the increasing difficulty of growing up in the age of Internet (see I for Instagram), without Carrie Bradshaw’s ridiculously fictional salary and shoe collection. Dunham’s characters don’t fall into typical female archetypes: they are insecure and quirky (but in not in that annoying Zooey Deschanel way) and deeply flawed, and above all, they are relatable in a way that women on TV haven’t been in a long time. In short, we love Lena and hope she makes fifty more seasons of Girls. Click here to see what else made our A-Z of 2012 list. M is for M.I.A. and the Superbowl Middle Finger What’s the lesson here? Do not flip the bird, even if you are M.I.A. because Queen Madonna will put you on her “oh no no” list. N is for Nirvana Reunion with Paul McCartney Don’t get us wrong: the 121212 concert was a beautiful expression of solidarity and empathy for the victims of Hurricane Sandy, and we are so glad it happened (and actually actively enjoyed watching Kanye in a skirt and a very orange Bruce Springsteen perform). But what in the effing eff was that WAY over-hyped “Nirvana reunion” that we on the West Coast (i.e. Yasi) waited up until like 1am to watch? REALLY GUYS? You get Dave Grohl, Krist Novoselic, and Pat Smear on a stage together with Sir Paul McCartney and they play some song that sounds like they just made it up that day during commercial breaks of King Of Queens? THANKS FOR NOTHING, UNIVERSE O is for Obama’s victory speech Even Canadians cried during our president’s beautiful, heartfelt acceptance speech. Go Obama. P is for Pussy Riot This feminist punk band from Russia not only brought international attention to the gender politics of their homeland, but captured the hearts of most punks world wide. Their courageous anti-religious performance inside a central church landed three of the members of the band in jail for hooliganism as the world watched and tried to unpack this heated trial. Sentenced to three-years and separated from their young children, Nadezhda Tolokonnikova, Maria Alekhina and Yekaterina Samutsevich stood strong on their beliefs during conviction and inspired feminists around the world. Q is for the Queens of Rap: Azealia, Iggy, Kreayshawn, Kitty Pryde, Brooke Candy This year 2012 saw a resurgence of strong female figures in rap culture. Budding from the underground and (some) blasting headfirst into the mainstream, women like Azealia Banks, Iggy Azalea, Kreayshawn and Brooke Candy reshaped and intellectualized their femininity and sexuality in a fresh way that us all feel the power in our cervix. (Kidding, but it was rad.) Click here to see what else made our A-Z of 2012 list. R is for Rihanna and Chris Brown’s Rocky Relationship This was the relationship heard round the world. Name one blogger who did not give their two cents on the turmoil between these two mega stars? However, no one quiet tops GQ writer Jenny Johnson who got in a Twitter battle with Brown causing him to close his account after telling her he was going to “shart” not in her mouth, but on her “retina” and a bunch of other immature, bathroom talk. S is for Hurricane Sandy When was the last time New York lost power like that? No one will forget the Super Storm named Sandy that made the world stop turning and destroyed many surrounding areas of Manhattan. T is for Two (2) Chainz After Tity Boi changed his name to 2 Chainz, everyone started to pay attention. I his own words "Former Posturepedic, I was slept on."  Now we can all in unison state how we want a big booty ho for our birthday. Thank you 2 Chainz. Click here to see what else made our A-Z of 2012 list. U is for Usher’s “Climax” Brilliantly, Usher decided to release the most romantic slow jam of the year a week after Valentines Day. Apparently, he and Diplo took two months to write “Climax” together. We like to think they wrote all the lyrics over a back-and-forth session of sexts. It doesn’t matter how it was executed, because this song made all other love ballads sound like orangoutangs dragging their knuckles through gravel. V is for Voting This election voting was seen as something we all really wanted to do and wasn’t posed with a “do it or I will kill you” vibe like last term’s Vote or Die. W is for Whitney Houston’s Death On February 11 Whitney Houston passed. Rumors flew around that she was murdered by drug dealers, while others said it was a cardiac arrest or some other lie sources tell to cover up what really happened. Either way, the Grammy’s turned into Houston’s funeral, offering love and remembrance for the pop star and leaving us all feeling a little “what the fuck” about her disappearance and so-called addictions. Click here to see what else made our A-Z of 2012 list. X is for The X Factor and the Rise of Britney “It’s Britney, bitch.” The Queen came back, looking bold, butch and beautiful as ever. We missed you, Britney and we’re so happy that for once in your life, you get to judge others instead of the other way around. Y is for Your Vagina and how many politicians tried to threaten it’s rights this year As usual, a bunch of left ring, anti-vagina psychos in the US of A tried to tell women that their vagina’s were evil, dirty whore traps who deserved to be under strict control. Richard Mourdock and Todd Akin tried to convince people that rape victims should not have access to abortions (because it’s “something God intended), while it was rumored that Mitt Romney wanted to “get rid of [Planned Parenthood]”. Just let us make our own decisions about our bodies, please. Z is for Zuckerberg making Facebook public Facebook went public. What did that mean for us consumers? Well, that every time some IT nerd wanted to change the format of our posts or private messages, it would have to be public information. So, I guess we are now informed? Click here to see our A-Z of 2012 again.