Reality “star,” “singer” and “career woman” Heidi Montag has decided to bunny up and pose for Playboy. And what a relief, because honestly, we were getting worried that she would just stick to homemade music videos. Not only does this September issue of Playboy feature Heidi slinking around some log cabin in furs and silks, it is sided by a mind numbing interview between Heidi and her partner in crime, Spencer Pratt. Instead of using a staff writer, Playboy, allowed Pratt to interview his wife Heidi and what a wise choice on their part. We get to learn so many awesome things about the couple! For instance, although Heidi does support the notion that “the [human] body is a beautiful creation” she quickly and idiotically contradicts her statement in the same sentence by adding “the reason I didn‚Äôt show everything is because I plan to get a few more upgrades…I‚Äôm sure as I get older I‚Äôll need some touch-ups. I‚Äôm definitely not done with my surgical quest.” We also learn that Heidi has four cell phones and that Spencer gets off on tweeting and kissing at the same time.

You can read the whole article here (we dare you to make it past the couples first fist bump/make out/texting fiasco, gross). We also challenge you to count the different ways Playboy photoshops Heidi’s face. Happy reading!